by Tom Lyford 5/12/04
She’s into numbers
I’m into words
Numbers (just to please her)
parade goose-stepping
all spit&polish
columnrank&file to her
drum-major-baton cadence
under the Big Top of her
the 3-ring-binder, 3-ring circus
of her bookkeeper’s spreadsheet mind…
& to her sharp whistle, the digits wheel,
group & regroup smartly into the Good Ol’
Red & Black half-time extravaganza
(rah! rah!),
vault with spectacular precision,
somersault through numeric hoops,
dance on their hind legs
(tails all wagging as 1),
fly the arithmetic trapeze, & with
the greatest of ease, perform the boring
high-wire ledger-balancing “accts.” &
other acts of legerdemain to the polite
applause of all…
Now… put numbers under my command
& in no time they will deteriorate into
a rag-tag band of undisciplined
smoke’em-if-you-got’em goldbricks
forever whining to take 5 —
an unwilling occupational force in a country
of rebel resistance to numbers.
She’s into numbers… but me?
I don’t really care for numbers…
at all. No no, I’m into words…
I’m prejudiced. See…
I don’ need no steenkin’ nombres!
I’m an anti-numerite. I mean, what’s to like?
they’re all the same, they all look alike
You can’t tell’em apart
You seen one 1? Then you seen’em all
(all the 1’s are alike— little letter “i”
wannabes)
“1 is the loneliest number you can ever do…
2 can be as bad as 1: it’s the loneliest
number since the number 1”
& get this: there are just too many
negative numbers, know what I’m sayin’?
Numbers like… minus ten, right?
How’d you like to be a negative 10?
On, say, a scale of 1 to 10?
Oh, and…ever notice how “cosecant“
sounds a lot like “ ’course he can’t ” ?
Makes me wanna shout out, “Why,
of course he can” every time…
Plus… it’s not like there are really any
hot little numbers, you know? (Well,
except maybe 110 degrees in the shade
or Fahrenheit 451
but even those numbers are relative
to the words that must accompany
them… Yes, numbers are just
pathetic little word-wannabes)
But worse, numbers are the Nazis, so
military & rigid, precise & absolute
autocratic, and so class-conscious:
all that emphasis on… greater than
or… less than or equal to !
I’m much too democratic for numbers.
She’s into numbers—I’m into words.
I mean come on! Words have more fun.
Words are the blondes of symbols
(but intelligent blondes) always doing
something creative and different !!!
But with numbers it’s always
same ol’ same ol’S.S.D.D.,
been-there-done that-got-the T-shirt.
Surprise: 2 + 2’s never gonna = 13
& what else are numbers gonna do
besides add …subtract …divide????
Oh, numbers can multiply but they
can’t be fruitful & multiply…
and for stodgy numbers… there’s
no sex, no drugs, no rock’n roll,
Numbers can’t get drunk or buzzed:
(Hey 30, whattaya say we get
factored right ff our asses tonight!)
Jeez, numbers can’t even swear
because there are no dirty numbers
(well, OK, doing #1 #2, but…)
so that’s how boring numbers are
& there’s only 10 of them altogether
10 insubstantial little hen-scratches
count’em— 0 through 9…
3 times more repetitive than the
much more versatile 26 letters of the
superior alphabet from whence cometh
our world of lush and sexy words…
She’s into numbers…I’m into words.
Gotta be a left brain/right brain thing.
Hey, wanna kow something I do? OK.
I actually look up words! In dictionaries!
Hell no, even more: i read dictionaries !
For her, looking up words is like…
cleaning the oven… cleaning the toilet…
I love puns & palindromes;
she loves sales ledgers & sums.
I do onomatopoeia; she does audits.
Me? Metaphors & meter; her? Money matters
Poetry & prose for me;
principal & interest for her.
I can’t help looking upon integers
& interest with extreme dis-interest,
and I am just so nonplussed with
plusses & minuses.
So yeah. She’s into numbers…
Long ago, the numbers body-snatched
her soul, leaving behind her
look-alike pod, hatching integers
like spiders to protect
& to serve her, their Queen
their Numero Uno
All the evil little numbers…
millions of minions to do
her darkest bidding…
NEARING THE END OF THE LINE 