THE BIOLOGY OF UN-GOING STEADY & a Teen’s Introduction to The Human Comedy…

So in the last episode…

Ma had just learned that, as a mere fifteen-year-old, I’d single-handedly besmirched the family’s reputation by casting decency to the wind and unabashedly ‘making out’ in front of God and all the fans during most of an entire basketball game in the Foxcroft Academy gym. And yes, it was bad enough to do that, but on top of that I’d also rubbed the family’s nose in the dirt by choosing to publicly ‘make out’ with a CATHOLIC!

But hey, I didn’t know she WAS Catholic!

But here’s some biology I had learned in biology that morning:

When you’re the guy, and the damsel in distress just happens to be The Class Hemophiliac of 1964, The One Most Likely to Bleed Out, (the one, by the way, whose finger you pricked in the first place,) and whose hand you were ordered to hold in order to keep her from bleeding out… it turns out you just automatically imprint on her. You know, like the newly-hatched duckling imprints on the first biological entity it encounters.

So: not totally my fault...

“Well, you’ve seen THE LAST OF HER… You KNOW that, right?!” Ma decreed.

LIKE HELL I HAVE! …is what I was thinking. But what I actually mumbled as I shuffled off to bed was, “Well, that’s gonna be difficult considering we do both attend the same small school, plus the fact that we are enrolled in the same science class. So, we’re bound to… you know… mumble mumble mumble… etc.

“YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So three things:

(1) I went to bed that night impatient to wake back up the next morning, get myself to school as soon as possible, meet up with Sue, and while away the day meeting her in the hall by her locker and sitting at her table in the cafeteria…

(2) I went to bed marveling at the unexpected magic of having walked to how I’d walked to school that morning as a Pinocchio but returned home after the game as a real boy!

and (3) I went to bed champing at the bit to start getting acquainted with my new self in the morning!

ME, RUSHING TO DISCOVER
MY NEW SELF!


I mean, I couldn’t get over it: I was no longer ME (thank God). I was an entirely different person! I was a kisser now! It was kinda like that movie The Body Snatchers, if you think about it.

It had literally taken me no time at all. Like learning to swim by having your swim coach just throw you right off the dock, sink or swim.

Why had I ever imagined it was so difficult?

One of the good things about it was that I now had “credentials.” For instance, a couple of episodes ago I’d described how devastated I was when I found I just couldn’t quite dare to make myself take that particular next step (kissing) with my girlfriend at the time. So yeah, I’d got dumped for being “too boring.” But I couldn’t help it. For some reason, I just wasn’t ready.

But… ha-HAH! One evening at the Rec Center that same ex-girlfriend spied me over in a far dark corner of the dance floor making-out like crazy with Sue. So she made it a point to just happen to stroll past us. She stopped for a moment, looked at me with a raised eyebrow, and said, “Well— sure looks like you’ve changed!”

Made. My. Day!

See? Credentials!

God, my adolescence was SO STUPID!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

One of the things that was so bizarre about starting to go out with Sue is that I didn’t know the first thing about her. Nor she about me. Somehow, two strangers, we’d just bonded instantly. Just like that. With one random snick of the biology lab fingertip-nicker instrument (try saying that five times fast). It was like being in one of those speed-dating marathons, only to find you’d found the one you want on the very first go-round. Bang. I was in a hit-and-run ‘relationship’… but with whom?

Because I really had no idea by whom or what I’d just been captured. And yeah, captured is the right word. Because she was the one who’d made the move. Not me.

Her? She was active. Me? Passive as all get out. Her? Bold. Me? Pretty much a mouse. A mouse who’d spent his last three years (passively) praying for a real girlfriend to happen. And then, unexpectedly and ‘magically’… it just had!

Me? A male Cinderella.

And then it turned out she was older than me by almost a year. So apparently we’d just broken the rule that stated girls mature a couple years ahead of boys, so an older girl would never find what she’d be looking for in the likes of me.

Her? A high school ‘cougar’?

What an odd state of affairs.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Immediately we started hanging out together every day after school. Like a lot of the Academy kids, we’d walk the mile from FA down to Lanpher’s Drug store.

We became a thing.

Toward the end of our sophomore year, I got my class ring. I chose the gold, with the onyx stone. And of course I loved and cherished it. So much so that I just couldn’t wait to give it away. I immediately had to ask Sue to go steady with me. And she said yes!

The Pony, FA’s School “Newspaper”

So, before long the cryptic initials “S. D.” & “T. L.” began showing up all through the pages of that gossip rag they tried to pass off as a school newspaper.

Yeah. And I remember the rest of that school year with Sue seeming to fly by in a blur, like one of those 1940s’ black-and-white-nightlife movie montages. You’ve seen them, in those movies where your country-bumpkin main character somehow gets discovered by a talent scout, leaves his little-one-horse-town-farm-values behind, only to get corrupted in Hollywood. And then you view his downward spiral into the dark hell of Tinsel Town’s carnival of wild parties, sex, and drugs depicted as a rapid succession of images set to a dizzying, jazzy soundtrack: the neon signs depicting champagne glasses, scenes of taxi cabs pulling up to nightclubs and casinos, burlesque beauties, those successive calendar pages flying off the wall…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

YAY!

Hey, guess what! One day Sue got her driver’s license. She was ecstatic. Of course, I was happy, too. This meant we could go out on some dates.

But there was a bit of a dark side for me. Namely, it left me feeling pretty embarrassed. To, you know, have Sue always pulling up in our driveway and tooting the horn, letting me know that she was sitting out there waiting on me. I mean, it was supposed to be the other way around. Traditionally, the guy was supposed to be the one doing that. So I couldn’t help feeling kind of creepy about it. I mean, what self-respecting boy wants to be a ‘kept man”?

But hey! It wouldn’t be too long before I got my license as well, would it. Just a matter of weeks. Then things would be alright. Yeah, then. I had to keep telling myself that. And telling myself that. And telling myself that…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

OH NO!

Hey, and guess what else happened! One day I……… flunked MY driver’s test.

(There’s an interesting story about how I flunked that test, but I’ll save it for another time.)

I was not ecstatic. I was depressed. Deeply.

That meant weeks more of waiting before I could get another shot at it. Weeks that would feel like months of going through the continued ignominy of waiting for the beep of Sue’s horn in the driveway. Weeks of those old bag, busybody neighbors of mine all thinking to themselves:(tsk tsk!) There’s that brash, wild girlfriend of his again!

God, how I hated to have to tell her I flunked it. God, how I hated how my life stunk. Sue was obviously sad about it too, although she covered that up pretty well. But I knew I’d failed her. Along with myself. I felt nervous and unsure about what the unexpected lack of a license would mean about our going steady.

And I felt like a little damn kid!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I guess our dates must not really have amounted to much. I mean besides that first, all-important, make-out marathon of our ‘basketball’ date, I can’t really remember any other one with any clarity at all. With one exception. Which was a dance, right at the end of our sophomore year, in June.

The departing seniors had rented the Legion Hall for their good-bye party. Anybody could attend though. We were both pumped to go, despite my excitement having been dampened by the ongoing shame of having to once again wait on Sue’s horn out in the driveway.

It was an impressive dance, DJ’d by one of their own class members. There were refreshments and decorations. But there’s really one reason why this one stands out in my memory as much as it does.

SENIOR DANCE

A very popular couple (a senior boy and his steady girlfriend, a girl from our sophomore class) got into a big argument, apparently the last one of many before. And although none of us wanted it to happen, we watched them break up right then and there in front of us! That cast a pall over the rest of the evening. It was like a lot of us were part of an unofficial imaginary fan club of this couple, and when they broke it off it seemed to affect us all. I will always remember it as such a dark, really sad affair…

I remember really wondering just how awful such a break-up like that would feel. And I guess, you know… me with no license and all, I was worrying about the longevity of mine and Sue’s relationship as well. Because Sue had started hinting around, every once in a while, about maybe going out to California to live. But I was so into us that I couldn’t believe she really meant it.

At the same time, though, she seemed to remain perfectly OK about me not having my license yet. So, I wasn’t too worried. And besides, right up till July, we were still going strong.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Right about then, my younger cousin, Freddy, invited me to accompany him and his parents to travel down through the White Mountains of New Hampshire for a week-long visit with an uncle of his. I had serious second thoughts about going, as I really wasn’t too keen about leaving Sue. But somehow I got talked into it.

Heck, it would only be for a week, so that wasn’t so bad, really.

And I ended up having such a wonderful time on that trip. Freddy and I got golf lessons from his old man before we hit the greens at a professional 18-hole golf course. And then he smuggled us into the large Rockingham Park racetrack where we got to bet on the horses, even though we were underage. A number of memorable and entertaining things kept us hopping throughout the entire week we spent down there.

One REALLY memorable thing, however, occurred the minute we got back home.

Several friends of mine couldn’t wait to tell me the news: Sue had started going out with another guy! I couldn’t believe it. I just didn’t want to believe it. So I refused to believe it, you know? But then when one of those friends delivered back into my hands my class ring, I fell apart. I was crushed!

Sue had broken up with me. And without a word. Without even a good-bye. Without even giving me my ring back herself! Without giving me a reason.

Of course if I hadn’t been half-head-over-heels-blind, I could’ve seen it coming from a mile away. There are none so blind as those who will not see, yadda-yadda. She really had been making plans to go to California all along. Of course she had.

And she was older than me, even though not by much. So… there was that rule cropping up once again, the one about girls developing a couple of years ahead of us. I wonder how we lasted so long actually.

And then too, it (once again) had much to do with my old nemesis: my “boring” quality. And by that, I’m referring to me developing physically, emotionally (and sexually) in the slower (if not the break-down) lane. After having gotten comfortable with hugging and cuddling with my last girlfriend, I’d really only added a single step forward in this latest relationship. And that was kissing. And only kissing. I mean, even though from my point-of-view I’d been feeling I was beltting home runs out of the park with Sue, I wasn’t. I’d actually never even gotten to see what was on the other side of second-base.

Boring-again-me.

We’d gone together for a few months. Making-out right to the end. But apparently it was really just puppy love I’d been experiencing. However, it had felt like love to me. So…

I had a hard reality to face. She was just… gone. Totally. It was like she had stopped existing on this planet. And what did I do? How did I react?

By retiring to my bedroom, that’s how. And I didn’t want to come out, ever again. I just wanted to stay there lying in my bed for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to eat. Didn’t want to talk. Didn’t care if I ever got my license or not.

What was the point? Life was just bad.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

OK. Spoiler alert. This is where I’m going to go maudlin on you. Because… well, don’t you think maudlin is called for in a scenario like this.

You’ve been warned.

A box of tissues is suggested…

You ready?

Ae you sure? Here I go.

A couple of weeks slogged by. And during that whole time, I had one, single “friend,” and one “friend” only— one single “person” in the entire universe who seemed to understand not only me, but the misery I was going through…

That’s right…

JOHNNY CASH

I pretty much had his complete works right there in my room— well, his complete works up to that point in his career, anyway.

But let me tell you… that man sang to me straight from my record player and the heart. All day and all night long. Letting me know that, not only did he know what I was going through, but that he was going through exactly the same thing himself, right along with me.

Yes, “Cry, Cry, Cry,” “There You Go,” “Home of the Blues,” “I Still Miss Someone”all those heart-grinding songs, so many of them. But… the one he seemed to have written exclusively just for me (the one that sang The Sad Story of My Sad, Sad Heart during those doggone, lonesome, blue weeks of my bedroom pity-party) was one that had a ring of acceptance about it, one that seemed to offer a tough-love, healing philosophy:

“Guess Things Happen That Way.”

Here. Take a listen for yourself. You’ll see what I mean:

Yeah, me and Johnny. Johnny and me. We understood each other. And he was working so hard to get me through the darkness. I mean, nobody wants to go through it alone.

Yeah, Johnny and I go way back.

And all I can say is… thanks, man.

ME FINALLY GETTING MY APPETITE BACK (‘THE GHOST OF MAN IN BLACK’ IN THE BACKGROUND…)

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“If you could read my mind, Love…” Part 2

“If You Could Read My Mind, Love…” Part 1 ended with…

“At long last, he launches right into it. And all of us, the vast, entire WGUY radio listening audience everywhere, is finally given the lowdown.

“And the lowdown is… kind of incredible.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Yes, I’m here to tell you that the “lowdown” (note the quotation marks here) was indeed a tad incredible. And I remind you that you were warned in Part 1 that the story, though true, was a rather silly story as well. So there’s that.

But OK. The voice that came on the air came across as dark, authoritative, and rather harrumphing, leaving all of us 17 year old “adults” and younger (we, the demographic majority of WGUY’S listenership) suspecting that the man might be the President or CEO of WGUY, if not of the American Broadcasting Association itself. And in the following not-verbatim-nutshell, here is what he “regretted having to impart”:

  • (stock photo– not Jack Dalton)
  • It had long been no secret that our DJ, Mr.  Jack Dalton, considers himself a champion of Democracy, and had long been feeling seriously distressed about the indefensible state of affairs in East and West Germany— namely the Berlin Wall.
  • Mr. Dalton, who was obviously feeling the frustration of his utter sense of powerlessness that many lone individuals feel in the face of his inability to take effective action when needed, decided to take it upon himself to perpetrate a one-man protest.
  • Consequently, and unfortunately, he arbitrarily chose our WGUY broadcast radio station to be the platform to rally the largest population possible into action.
  • In so doing, he impulsively locked himself inside the station’s sound studio, and refused to come out.
  • He then began the playing and replaying of that dreadful song that had become his personal anthem.
  • And finally, our listeners must rest assured in the confidence that any other such event such would never be allowed to re-occur at WGUY. Mr. Dalton had just had been summarily fired.  End of story.

Now, I think a lot of us 17 year old and younger “adults”felt that firing the poor man was excessively harsh. We were used to seeing our own age group getting summarily punished, for our own little crimes and misdemeanors, all the time, but never an adult. Especially not an adult that we looked up to and who, in our callow opinion, had done little wrong.

First of all, the incident had given us something that was mysteriously fun to speculate on throughout the day. Something that wasn’t boring for a change. Secondly, we all pretty much loved our Jack the DJ Dalton. His was the disembodied radio voice that woke us up practically every morning, that spoke to us every day— an adult who actually seemed to ‘get’ us, you know? Plus, our daily entertainer; he’d come out with the wildest and craziest funny things sometimes. It was easy to feel he was one of the few adults who seemed… on our side. In a way, he seemed one of us.

But more importantly, he was the bringer of our MUSIC, which was our daily bread.

And then, there was something else to consider. Just what, exactly, was his “crime?” Standing up for something he believed in? Being against the Berlin Wall? I mean, who wasn’t? What, were we kids the only ones willing to look at this and see The Big Picture? I mean, the boys in my circle were starting to take the man’s firing personally. It was an injury, an injustice that had been perpetrated on them, damnit! And for them, this was a cause worth fighting for. The hornets’ nest had been stirred up. Oh, my pals were talking it up, big time. Like something needed to be done.

Honestly? I felt somewhat that way myself, onlynot nearly so strongly. In my home and upbringing, the parents laid down the law, and the parents administered the justice, so to speak. The rules were (well, mostly) common sense rules and you just had to go with them, didn’t you. I mean even to me, the little delinquent of the family, that seemed fair. Hey, I was a real little sneak when it came to breaking some of the rules, but every time I got caught at it, like it or not (and oh, I never liked it), it always turned out it to have been my own stupid damn fault.

So I guess what I’m saying is, I‘d grown up feeling that in the long run you just had to accept the status quo. Didn’t seem to me like there was that much of a choice anyway. So… when this WGUY flap went down, I felt bad for the guy, sure. And yeah, I felt some of the emotional turmoil too. But in the long run like I said, I was like, he got fired, that’s too bad. Yeah, I liked his show and everything, but… oh well then. What can you do?  

Little did I know that an onslaught of angry phone calls were being made from all over the place. WGUY’s office phone was reportedly ringing off the hook. People didn’t like their DJ getting summarily fired, did they. They were angry. And they were busy making it clear to the fire-ers that they wanted their fire-ee summarily reinstated.  But me? I was out of the loop. I’d just gone home, watched a little TV, and then to bed. I never found out until the following afternoon when I went back in to work and got the new “lowdown” from some of my friends who popped into the garage to tell me the “great news.”

Huey Cole’s Esso, 20 years before I worked there…

What great news? The radio station had been amazingly overwhelmed with the hundreds of protests and the owners had finally caved in to the demands!

Wow. I was shocked. Now my pals (who, like me, lived thirty-five miles away from the GUY studios) had found all this out through the grapevine, second-hand. They themselves personally had nothing whatsoever to do with the outcome. Yet, by the way they were strutting around and claiming victory, you’d think they’d stormed the Bastille and chopped off Marie Antoinette’s head.

Teen-agers. You gotta love’em.

But anyway, it was all over. It had been a bloodless coup. Jack Dalton was right back on the air that evening and right back on the old payroll, like nothing whatsoever had ever happened. The proletariat had won the day over their capitalist oppressors. The world that was WGUYville was still a democracy. So. There would be Jack Dalton’s music. And all was well in the land.

And sure, I was happy for our DJ.

But… SPOILER ALERT: everything I’ve told you… you’ve gotten from the point of view of my 17 year old self. A kid’s point of view. A kid’s version of “the lowdown.” But as always, there were other points of view. More about this soon.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The brain is a frickin’ file cabinet, isn’t it. And this one little pretty-much-forgotten event has been occupying one or more of my brain cells for almost sixty years. And in all those sixty years, I can recall only one other time that this incident conjured itself right up out of my subconscious memory. That happened ten or twelve years ago at the library where I work.

Four or five of us on the staff were, for whatever reason, chatting about some of our favorite novelty songs. Doctor Demento’s name had come up, bringing along with it such crazy titles such as Steve Martin’s “King Tut,”  Tom T-Bone Stankus’ “Existential Blues,” Napoleon XIV’s  “They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha Ha”, and “Junk Food Junkie” by Larry Gross, to name a few. And suddenly, bing!, the “West of the Wall” thing had popped up unbidden in my mind, seemingly out of the blue since the song is not a novelty tune in and of itself.

“Do any of you remember a particular song called ‘West of the Wall?” I asked.

The question got me blank stares and the shaking of heads.

So OK, I launched into the strange saga of WGUY’s for-mememorable episode when, suddenly, one of our library clerks, Jeannie Tabor, joyfully interrupted saying, “Oh my god! I DO remember that happening! It was so… weird, wasn’t it!”

Actual X-ray of my brain…

So there were a pair of us then! Two of us each with a brain cell that had been harboring this identical data (no doubt in the form of ones and zeros), data that had been lying dormant all these years like a little time capsule waiting to be opened! So then, excitedly, we both went on, telling the story together, as each of us remembered it. What fun!

But it didn’t take long after that for our little time capsule excitement to subside, the fun little memory curling up again in our respective brain cells and going right back to sleep. In my case, never again to be awakened from its little vampire crypt until… one month ago, it just popped back up in my head (who knows why) and got me thinking of the incident as a possible topic for this blog. And the rest, as they say, is history.

But wait, there’s more! As I began to compose this post, I remembered how ridiculously surprised I’d been when Jeannie had confirmed my little story. And I started to wonder… who else, if anyone, might also remember it.

So what did I do? I fired up my laptop and did the standard twenty-first century thing. I went to Google. I figured there must be more people out there who remember it.

Well, even with Google, finding info on such obscure little happening wasn’t easy. For half a day, I worked my butt off like a private eye. And finally… I did manage to find a few conversational traces of a thread in the Facebook archives.

The following four quotations from old Facebook messages (once posted by a few now-disembodied texters) are all I was able to dig up from the some six decades of the digital graveyard:

  • “Kent Taylor Smith Hi Kent. Yup, I was listening that day and heard it. It was about the same time that I went into radio. BTW: Are you still with THE WAVE?”
  • “On August 13, 1961, East Berlin closed its border with West Berlin and erected a wall to stem the flow of Easterners to the West. This brought to mind a song, sung my Toni Fisher, titled “West of the Wall” which was released the following year, around June ’62. Well, one thought led to another and Bangor’s dawn to dusk radio station, WGUY, came to mind. They played all the “good stuff,” including “West of the Wall.” So, now I’m thinking did they really play “West of the Wall,” continuously, one day as a kind of protest, or is this just the confused memory of a 12 year-old adolescent? I don’t recall the names of the ‘jocks’ at WGUY who might be able to answer this torturous question. Is there anyone out there to help relieve this pressure? Perhaps the guys from Bangor, Maine – Radio & TV?”
  • “The event happened, it was so long ago nobody remembers it other than it happened. I first started working for WGUY in 2000 at the 102.1 incarnation. Nobody involved with the station then, or since, was involved. I even asked Bob Mooney about it once and he could barely remember it.”
  • “Your memory is very good, John. I remember that incident. Yes, a DJ on WGUY named Jack Dalton played “West Of the Wall” continuously for several hours. I don’t recall it being a “protest”, but rather a publicity stunt to draw attention to the station. My memory is a bit fuzzy on the aftermath, but if my memory is somewhat close, he was “fired” and then “rehired.” Someone else might have a clearer memory on that part. BTW, publicity stunts were quite common at that time. A DJ would “lock themselves” in the studio and play the same song multiple times, get “fired” and get “rehired” after listeners protested the firing. Side note: studio doors don’t have locks on them.”

So: there were some little data packets of the same ones and zeros lodged in the brains of these guys, just like they’re still lodged in Jeannie’s and my own. Cool.

 I’m always finding it very fascinating to be reminded that each of us has one of these biological, state-of-the-art, digital recorders installed right behind our eye sockets and that they’re on all the time,  picking up any and all of the vibrations of our five (known) senses and forever cataloging, collating, and cataloging them. I mean, jeez, who knows what all else is stored away in these things? Could be anything. Could be everything. Put’em all together and what’ve you got? Maybe only the entire history of the earth. One soul at a time.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So now, allow me to stop here and make this little shout-out to any of you (out there) who have happened by chance to stumble onto this particular post, right now… who were living here in the WGUY World greater area back in ’64, and who also have some first-hand knowledge of this event. If so, could you, would you (please, please, please) leave a comment or two about it in the comment field at the end of the post? Like, you know, what you were doing at the time, what you remember thinking about it at the time, etc. Who knows, maybe there’s a lot of us. Maybe we could start a club. Or a support group, lol.

But no, seriously, all kidding aside, I’d really appreciate you checking in if that’s the case.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Alright, I’m going to close here by swapping my 17 year old’s hat for my 77 year old’s one, and focusing us on the last few sentences of the fourth quotation from the Facebook thread I’d unearthed with Google’s help. This is what the gentleman said:

“My memory is a bit fuzzy on the aftermath, but if my memory is somewhat close, he was “fired” and then “rehired.” Someone else might have a clearer memory on that part. BTW, publicity stunts were quite common at that time. A DJ would “lock themselves” in the studio and play the same song multiple times, get “fired” and get “rehired” after listeners protested the firing. Side note: studio doors don’t have locks on them.”

Notice the use of all the quotation marks, where he says “fired” and “rehired”? That’s not the same thing as simply saying fired or rehired, is it. He has also called it what it actually was: a “publicity stunt.” And if you were an adult back then, you would have seen it for what it was too. But on the other hand, if you were a 17 year old or younger, all full of piss and vinegar, you’d probably see it as a call to arms, as many did.

It’s like the station put on a little play. And why?  To generate more interest in WGUY… that’s why To do something that would increase the numbers of their young listeners, something their sponsors would appreciate. And of course, that’s what it did. It worked. The adults back then did know. Of course they did. And it’s easy to imagine them rolling their eyes and getting quite a kick out of it. It’s easy to imagine them sighing, shaking their heads, and saying something like, “These crazy teen-agers. They’ll believe anything.”

But it’s the guy’s last sentence, his “Side note” that’s making me smile today.

“Studio doors don’t have locks on them.”

That’s right.

They don’t.