“Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.” Ever hear that expression? It’s of course a reference to the gigantic, wooden Trojan Horse that the Greeks used to trick Troy’s army, to win the Trojan War. Today in computer lingo, the word “trojan” (no, not that one, not the one with the capital T, on sale at the local pharmacy) refers to something similar. Namely a virus, some malware or the like that hackers use to nefariously upload little digital gremlins into your PC, tablet, or cellphone in order to gain control of your processors and access your private sensitive data, the effects of which can be devastating to the user.
And then there’s click-bait. Something that appears on your screen in the middle of your copying and pasting on Facebook or Instagram just to tempt, tempt, tempt your little brains out till you give in and click on that provided link, a link just waiting to escort you down some Alice-in-Snake-Oil-Land’s rabbit hole. Like these two that appeared recently on my cell phone:
(OK. I confess. I provided the little captions.)
Perhaps these two ladies are the loveliest beauties you could ever imagine. Perhaps not. No matter. Click-bait doesn’t always have to be the singing sirens that caused Odysseus to order his crew to ear-plug, blindfold, and lash him to the ship’s main mast to keep him from being tempted. Because hey, if not you, there’s still a couple trillion other redneck guys out there who, after a single glance, will start hearing “Hello, Dolly” playing in their small smitten brains. And they’ll click the bait for sure. But that’s not the point.
The point is the name of the town. Did you notice it? I did, first time I ever stumbled upon one of these ads because, hey, I live in the little town of Dover-Foxcroft, Maine. A small hamlet you never hear anything about unless (A) you live here, (B) you live in New England, or (C) you have relatives who live here. Why? Because of its insignificant size and lack of relative importance in the Big Picture of things.
Dover-Foxcroft. Often simply referred to by its residents as just “Dover.” One of only a handful of hyphenated town names in the entire U.S. of A (only our rare hyphen is gradually disappearing thanks to computer algorithms getting confused by it when you try to have an order delivered from Amazon.com or Etsy). Population only a tad over 4,000. County Seat in one of the poorest counties in the state, maybe the nation. A simple little ville situated smack-dab in the geographic center of the state of Maine.
Just a tiny spider-webbing of streets, roads, and avenues whenever you look it up on MapQuest.com. Two traffic lights, six or seven churches, two groceries, half a dozen convenience stores, the courthouse, the hospital, the fire station, the schools, the Ford dealership, etc. She’s small, but she’s good enough for us. We like her. Dover’s my hometown. Where I live today and where I’ve lived practically all my life. And I’m 77. A homeboy.
But of course the thing is, if you don’t live in Dover-Foxcroft or one of the other surrounding tiny towns, you’d never have seen these particular ads anyway. Because these ads are targeted at our immediate geographical area and no where else. Well, on the other hand, you will undoubtedly be the lucky recipients of the exact same ads, the only difference being with the name of your town or city pasted over “Dover-Foxcroft.” Two dubious “perks” bestowed on us by computer programmers, whether we like them ot not– the wonderful “gifts” of A.I. and algorithms.
I admit I was really taken aback the first time I caught one of these “hometown ads” popping up on my PC. (Wow. That’s actually MY town right there. Wow. Hey Phyllis! Come look!) Now, a gazillion times later, it’s grown old of course, so very old. So, lately I’ve just been collecting some of them in a special folder, as a novelty, the same way I collect some of my favorite memes. Which are, I suppose, pretty much the same things, or at least close cousins to the phenomenon of hometown-click-bait.
So. Welcome to that folder:
You’re traveling through another dimension — a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That’s a signpost up ahead: your next stop: the Bizarro Dover-Foxcroft!!
So by the way, you in the market for a new pickup? I sure am! Guess I’d better hurry up and track down this unbelievable dealership deal. But I pity the poor souls who come here and don’t even have the wherewithal to purchase one of these vehicles though. I mean, whatever could they do when they’re in dire need of a set of wheels?
Maybe this one? There are just SO many unbelievable great deals here! Eat your heart out, Barbieland…
Oh wait. Here’s the Bizzaro-Dover-Foxcroft answer to that:
How wonderful is this. I mean, one way to make some cash would be great… but six? OK, I’m doing all six then. Life is just so…je ne c’est quoi here, gnome sayin’? But wait. What if it turns out that this free money isn’t all that much? Like maybe just a few piddling nickels and dimes so to speak? The ad doesn’t say.
Oh wait. I almost forgot. I’m a gambling addict. Of course! How could I have forgotten? And the word on the streets of Bizarro D-F (B-D-F) these days is that for some reason, it’s turning out that people in this particular Dover-Foxcroft (Piscataquis County’s Little Las Vegas) seem to be winning at an unbelivably higher rate than anywhere else in the country. It’s almost like one of those carnival barker’s promises: Everybody’s a winner!
Wow! But wait just a minute here! Three megabucks winners in this one town in the last six months??? I’m surprised I didn’t see this on CNN! But what the hey, it’s GREAT! This is definitely the place for me. With the nickels and dimes I’ll be hauling in from from the Six Ways to Make Money Without Getting a Job, I’ll nickel and dime myself into the Big Mega Bucks. Shouldn’t take too long, either. Then, yeah, I reckon I’ll buy myself a house and settle down.
So, let’s just check out the classifieds:
Whoa… You know, I was gonna splurge on a big luxurious mansion, but on second thought… why not be economical? Sure, these little babies are tiny, but there’s only me, right? I don’t need much room. And apparently the rent’s cheap enough. So yeah, I’m gonna do this. Then I’ll splurge on a big new Cadillac, like Elvis, and maybe get a super cool double-decker ten-room RV, and a small yacht to haul behind it.
But of course, I know I really should be putting a little nest egg aside, for unforeseen medical emergencies and my general health and stuff. I’m not in the best of shape. I’ve got a humungous beer belly that really bugs me. And I’ve been promising myself for years that I will go on that diet. But diets take a long time. And it’s hard to keep the pounds off after you lose them. Well, that’s what the people who really have tried dieting have told me. Sound like a lose-lose situation, you know?
Well whattaya know? Eureka! B-D-F has come up with a new and better way. A way that actually looks pleasurable and fun, according to the looks on this babe’s face. Oh man, this look a bit like some Sigourney Weaver scene from an Alien bloopers out-takes collection. Like the one where the Face-hugger shot low and missed its target…
Whatever. I really dig that “without surgery” part though. Doing that!
And speaking of possible medical emergencies, it’s comforting to know this B-D-F has such a large medical staff, considering its small population.
In R-D-F (Regular Dover-Foxcroft) our local hospital had only one actual M.D. on staff. They were supported by a handful of physician’s assistants, though. But listen. If you were to take a little jaunt over to scout out the reception area of R-D-F’s hospital and look around, you’d find, mounted on a prominent wall there, a display of professional portraits featuring their entire medical staff, a visual directory if you will. What you won’t find there however, is anyone as qualified (or healty looking) as our seven rave-review medical wonders, mounted on our wall over here on this side. Especiallythe cute one pictured above. Like that song from the 60’s by The Zombies: “She’s Not There.”
Thank God for portals and inter-dimensional mass transference. That’s all I can say.
Wow. I’m so impressed. Just look at all the things available in this Dover-Foxcroft.
It’s amazing! A veritable pot pourri:
Oh, I’m trying this one.
This place is incredible. You need it, we got it.
Uh-oh. But what do we have here, eh?
You know what almost creeps me out at first glance about this shot? It really doesn’t feel… all that welcoming… you know? It’s almost like these dudes have drawn a line in the brickwork sand they’re standing on, and are amused to find out if anyone is gonna dare to cross it or not…
But when you think about it, this is probably a very positive photo. Because let’s face it, when you begin preparing for your big retirement back in the universe of the regular D-F, you’ll find yourself buried alive under an avalance of paperwork, and will have to literally jump yourself through months and months of hoops. Only to try to get back what you’ve put into your own someday retirement, what you’ve earned by rights, and by law… even if the government seems to never want to give it back.
So yeah, I’m guessing what we’re looking at here is a good, positive, pro-active group. No, they really don’t come across as your basic CPA types. Instead, these dudes and dudettes seem to be radiating the repressed, and slightly defiant vibes of some new upstart gang in West Side Story, plotting to rumble The Sharks or The Jets straight outta town. Like maybe they’ve adopted the J. G. Wentworth battle cry: “It’s my money and I want it now!” With or without the government’s consent! Wow. A real get’r done group here, I’d say. But whatta I know? Like you, I’m just a stranger in a strange land here. And I really doubt that anybody would resort to anything like exerting physical force here. Because apparently there are many other… gentler ways to get those in power to see things your way in this world.
Just sayin’…
For instance, it seems there are some agencies here that stand ready and willing to help you out at… well, whatever (if and when you feel you have the need). And it looks like they probably operate in ways similar to private investigators, or in other words, as simply benevolent researchers.
I imagine these guys just do background checks on those who are really the problem, even though they may not have realized it…yet. And then they put together a report, or dossier, if you will. And after the multiple back-ups are collated and stored for safe-keeping in different locations (strictly for quality control purposes, you understand) these friendly researchers could act as couriers, where they go and share the collected documents and candid photographs with the subjects of the said dossiers. Whereupon, more often than not, the subjects will then examine the collected contents at their leisure and, so inspired, will undoubtedly come up with surprising new and creative ways to alter, and even improve, their behaviors in ways that will benefit… well, everyone. Cooperation, you know, is a good thing.
(Oh, wait a minute– that sounds like blackmail. But as I said, Whatta I know?
But, man. You know what? I’m starving. All this ranting has made me hungry. I gotta look around Bizzaro Town here and find me something to eat. Something tasty. And inexpensive. Some of that delicious, gourmet, and inexpensive almost to the point of costing next to nothing Bizzaro-Dover-Foxcroft grub. Let’s see…
Ah, here we are…
Ah! Oh yes!
Hmmm… And I just happened to think. I wonder if this Dover-Foxcroft enjoys the same Annual World Famous Whoopie Pie Festival. If so, a whoopie pie would really hit the spot for a dessert to top off on right now.
Guess I’ll hafta ask around…
NEARING THE END OF THE LINE 