SCIENCE FICTION, EUGENE, AND ME, 1974

These days I often find myself reminiscing about the many, many past English class students that once occupied very big, though fleeting, parts in my past life… and hey, I’ve had a lot of high school English kids in my lifetime to reminisce over.

I mean, consider for a moment the thirty-four years wherein I averaged approximately five or six different English classes a day, give or take a study hall or two. And the usual enrollment per class size was somewhere between fifteen and thirty kids. But right here, for our purposes of keeping this diagram simple only, let’s go with fifteen, rather than the actual average of twenty-five.

MR. LYFORD’S ENGLISH CLASS VENN DIAGRAM

THE ACTUAL AVERAGE IS 25 STUDENTS.
(I was simply too lazy to try to squeeze
25 of those little circles in here. SORRY…)

Fifteen small circles (each depicting one of my kids) plus the slightly larger one with my name in it, and all of us intersecting the big mother-ship-circle representing that particular assigned English class.

So if you then go ahead and factor in all the classes I was teaching each day over those thirty-four years (6 classes/day x 34 years), that’s 204 classes. (More actually, since I was teaching different semester-, and sometimes quarter-classes, but we’ll go with 204.) So, multiplying those 204 by the approximately twenty-five kids per class, and you’ll come up with 5,100 lifetime students… at the very least.

It boggles the mind…

But see, because this blog is pretty much driven by all the little memory-sugarplums I’ve still got still dancing around in my head after all these years (like clouds in my coffee, clouds in my coffee… me, so vain I probably think this blog is about me), I find myself paying tribute to the stand-out ones, those few of the 5,100 kids who really left their marks on me, for one reason of another.

Like that Wes I recently wrote about. You remember, the little wise-ass who hilariously taped a hasty one-inch margin to each side of his sloppily-written essay in order to checkmate my One-Inch-Margin Rule that, if not met, required a full re-write…

… or little Danny, the kid who took a little piece of my heart along with him when he disappeared into the vast bowels of the Maine Juvenile Corrections Center.

Those being just two of the hundreds of freshman, sophomore, junior, or senior boys’ and girls’ faces that remain stacked in my memory like ready-to-play 45 rpm hits in some dime-a-play, 3-plays-for-a-quarter jukebox from the 60s and 70s. I mean, so many to choose from. A goldmine of flashbacks and reminiscences…

Today however, the one I’m about to share with you involves a pretty odd-duck case of classroom management. So welcome to yet another true story, configured here as The Strange Venn Diagram of…

But that’ll come a little further down the line. First… to digress purposely for a moment, in order to give you some introductory info…

It was in 1975, if I remember correctly, that we (Mexico High School’s 5-teacher English department) turned our standard English curriculum on its head. The 1970s was a decade of great innovation and creativity in education, all around the state and the country. A lot of experimental approaches were being tried. And we were no exception.

Basically what we did is create a suite of quarter- and semester- courses, the majority of which were electives. Our general goal was to kill two birds with one stone: (1) help to broaden the students’ knowledge of the world around them in a number of high-interest topical areas, and (2) promote a higher interest in well-crafted literature (always a good thing).

I can’t remember how many new courses we created, but it was quite impressive. Naturally we had to remain somewhat conservative at the same time in order to maintain scholastic credibility. Therefore, there were a few semester-length courses that were not electives— one, for instance, a required full-semester course of Grammar, Composition, and Usage, along with a couple of other required courses (for the college prep kids) on American or British literature (Shakespeare included of course). All of the courses were tweaked for kids in General English, General College Prep, and Advanced.

This big change was to inject some much-needed excitement into the curriculum. Imagine, instead of simply enrolling in plain old boring English I, II, III, and IV over your four-year high school career (like everyone before you had been doing for a hundred and fifty years), now you’d have some possible elective options: Psychology in Literature, Intro to Journalism, Native American Studies Through Literature, Creative Writing, Science Fiction, Advertising and Propaganda, Literature of the American Wild West, Sports in Literature, Literature of War, etc. It was an invigorating time for us teachers as well, despite the work involved in creating the new curriculum.

In the end, the particular slate of courses I’d drawn (the luck of the draw) included Creative Writing, which was wonderful for me, that being right up my alley— my ace of hearts.

However there was another one that didn’t thrill me at all: Sports in Literature. At first, that is.

I was hoping one of my colleagues would snarf that one up but no— I drew that Old Maid card. I mean, what in the world was I supposed to do with the Literature of Sports? I couldn’t recall reading any sports lit since 5th grade. And sure, I’d been somewhat of a jock (played Little League in junior high, basketball in junior high and high school, and run the mile in high school track). But… Sports Literature? I was never a sports lit reader.

Fortunately we had the entire summer vacation to prepare and bone up our new courses before school reopened in the fall. And secondly, being the English Department Chairman, I had one pretty helpful advantage: I was free to browse through any number of publishers’ catalogs and order myself free comp-copies galore, for perusal. They couldn’t wait to send me free copies, hoping I’d order a few complete sets (which I did).

Anyway, shortly into my catalogs searches, I came across ­this little gem: Great Sports Reporting (1970), an anthology of sports essays that had previously been published in the New York Times.

Surprise, surprise: these writings, which were primarily by scholarly celebrities from many walks of life, turned out to be highly cerebral. And not only did I unexpectedly end up liking that little book (a lot), I ordered a full set right away. And I have to say it: just like every other thing that’s serendipitously, out of the blue, come rolling down the pike in my direction, that book also changed my life just a tad.

For instance, as a result of reading one particular chapter, a recap of one of the most famous boxing matches in history known as “The Long Count,”

DEMPSEY

(the one between Jack Dempsey, “The Manassa Mauler,

and the against-all-odds underdog Gene Tunny, “The Fighting Marine” [Sept. 22, 1927]), I became the most helplessly,

TUNNY

hopelessly, stupidly pathetic champion of any underdog on the planet, factual or fiction. See, the hook that snagged little-ol’-English-teacher-me from the get-go was that it turned out Gene Tunny was practically being laughed out of the ring beforehand by pretty much the entire boxing world. Why? Because some reporter had spotted him, during some down-time at his training camp, sitting on a bench and reading (wait for it…) a Shakespearean play! Next day, that little nugget got splashed all over the sports pages, and right away Tunny became a virtual laughing-stock among the odds-makers. I mean, who was going to bet on some namby-pamby Shakespeare lover stepping into the ring with a “killer” like Dempsey, “The Most Vicious Heavyweight in Boxing History”, whose motto was “I can’t sing and I can’t dance, but I can lick any SOB in the house.” Dempsey scoring the KO was an obvious foregone conclusion.

And sure enough, in the seventh round, (this from Wikipedia)— “With Tunny trapped against the ropes… Dempsey unleashed a combination of punches that floored the champion. Two rights and two lefts landed on Tunny’s chin and staggered him, and four more punches put him on the canvas. Referee Dave Barry ordered Dempsey into a neutral corner to no avail; but Dempsey remained standing over Tunny.”

See, the savage Dempsey was known for standing right over his downed opponents, the easier to finish them off as soon as they tried to get to their feet. But by standing right there and refusing to go to his neutral corner, the ref’s 10-count was delayed. This gave the dizzy Tunny the few extra seconds he needed to recover. And before the next round was over, Tunny had ended up flooring Dempsey.

And there it was. I was hooked on underdogs. For life. Meaning I was going to end up in a horrific lifetime of one disappointment after another. Because that famous “Long Count” bout was a 100% real-life Rocky Balboa story. It was amazing. But consequently, I was now suckered into wasting decades of my life rooting for, and ridiculously expecting, the Red Sox to finally break the infamous Curse of the Bambino! Which, yeah, they finally did. In 2004! But lest we forget, that particular curse had been crushing the BoSox ever since 1918!!!!!

Alas, to this day I’m still always the hopeless romantic going for the underdog. I just can’t help it. To quote Shakespeare’s Romeo, “I am fortune’s fool!

So, if by chance you happen to be an underdog, please let me know and I’ll be rooting for you right to the bitter end.

But so much for Sports in Literature.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Another class I got assigned was a semester-length course, Science Fiction. And I was feeling great about that one. Smug, even. I mean hell, I’d read a ton of the sci-fi classics as a kid, hadn’t I. So, no sweat. It meant I wouldn’t have to be wearing myself out preparing for it. I was already prepared. I could practically see the entire syllabus, done and dusted, in my mind. So… of course I went right on ahead and ordered sets of H. G. Wells’ The War of the Worlds, Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, The Strange Case of Dr. Jeckyll and Mister Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson, and From the Earth to the Moon by Jules Verne.

Four of my favorites. Easy Peasey. And I can’t tell you what a relief it was to have at least one class plan already bagged and tagged as quickly as that. I still had a lot of paperwork to do on it, statement of goals, etc. but the syllabus had practically written itself and, before I knew it, I was neck deep in formulating the next one on my slate-of-courses list.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And then, alas, September had come. And there I was, back in the classroom, meeting and greeting my new students. And man, there’s always just something that feels so darned positive and optimistic about those early days, starting the process all over again, launching into a fresh start.

Creative writing turned out to be rather a hit (well, not for everybody of course, as some had just enrolled in it because there was an empty slot in their schedules needing to be filled) because the majority of the kids who had signed on really wanted to write their little hearts out. Which made my job easy.

Sports lit. was also doing well— mostly boys, but the three girls didn’t seem to mind being outnumbered amid all that letter-sweater testosterone.

Also I was particularly proud of my Advertising and Propaganda class since I’d thought that one up right from scratch. It was turning out to be so relevant, plus we had a great textbook to go with it. And there were so many honest-to-God fun projects to keep us busy.

Of course we had to have that same ol’ same old Grammar and Composition course. (yawn)

YAWN!

But Science Fiction held a surprise for me, and not in a good way either. I mean, it was going OK but… just OK, for some reason. Ironically, since that was the one I was so excited about, passionate about really, it was taking a lot of the wind out of my sails that it seemed to be coming across to the kids as a bit of a drag. I mean sure, they’d rather be taking Science Fiction than Grammar and Comp, so they really didn’t mind all that much I guess, but I’d expected more of a spark there.

And then…

…on top of that…

Something unsettling happened in that class by the end of the second week.

It was the weirdest thing. The end-of-class bell had just rung and the kids were herding themselves out into the hall. Yay. T.G.I.F. !

But…

Suddenly I spied a slip of paper, folded in half, lying on my desk, looking just a bit conspicuous. I didn’t think it had been there, last time I’d looked. Had someone left me a note? Me? But if so, why?

So… I picked it up, unfolded it, and…

What the…?

D+” was all it said.

HUH…?

Wait, was somebody… grading me? Grading me and grading me anonymously? How dare they?! I mean, what the hell?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So I went home that weekend with the note squirreled away in my pocket and the D+ stuck in my craw. I was irked, man. I mean, somebody was saying what, that I didn’t know what I was talking about? Or that I was boring?

Well hell… if there was one thing I wasn’t, it was boring. That much was clear. I mean, I was in my fifth year teaching, and nobody had come out to me with… “boring.”

But maybe the D+ wasn’t for “boring”…

But if it was for something else, then what? I started going over and over that class in my head. What had gone wrong? Were my jokes too corny? (Was it my clever puns? No, I didn’t think so. Puns are supposed to be lame; that’s the point.) No, I was pretty confident that I possessed what I was pretty sure was a healthy sense of humor. So that couldn’t have been it. Right?

But maybe it wasn’t something that had happened in that one particular class? Maybe the day before? Or maybe the whole goddamn week?

Jeez, I felt so… violated, you know? I mean there I was, just doing my job (and doing it professionally, I might add), and what? Some smart-ass, hotshot, anonymous, little sniper of a Lee Harvey Oswald puts the crosshairs on my back and squeezes off a round? And for no discernible reason I could come up with? Seriously?

Hey, who was the teacher here anyway? Me! I was the one doing the grading, not the one on the receiving end. Damnit though… that D+ was fast becoming an insidious little worm curled up in my brain and nibbling away at it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So… I began the class on Monday by doing something a little weird, a little out of the ordinary. Totally silent, I strolled mysteriously up and down each aisle, stopping for a moment and giving each and every face what I hoped was some pretty damn daunting eye-contact. And when the kids asked, “What’s up?” all they got from me was a business-like, but-almost-Cheshire-Cat smile. I had no idea what I was expecting from doing that. I guess I just wanted to spook whoever it was that had left me the note. And of course I got no indication whatsoever that any of my kids were spooked.

Actually, it left me feeling felt quite ridiculous and embarrassed after finally returning to the front of the room to start the class. I mean, who did I think I was? Hercule Poirot?

But long story short: I got no note on my desk that period. So: perhaps my mysterious little play-acting had spooked somebody after all. Yay, me!

But not so fast. When I returned to my room after lunch, there it was! A second poison-penned note. And all that was written on this one was Really?” and, below that, simply a “D.” Jeez!

So… The Game was afoot, was it…?

OK. But I knew one thing: I was gonna catch the little so-and-so! No doubt about it! And when I did? Then what? What the hell was I gonna do? Well, the plan both my id and ego were pushing for was wringing somebody’s wise-ass little neck and flunking the little bugger right out of existence! It looked good on paper but, fortunately, my pansy-ass superego butted in, pulled rank, and overruled their plot: No, THAT’S not going to happen. We’re better than that. We’re professionals now. There’s got to be a more acceptable Plan B.

I can tell you one thing though. My college Methods of Teaching: Classroom Management textbook was turning out to be of no help whatsoever. I was on my own.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Turned out The Game wasn’t destined to last long at all. At the end of class two days later, just after the end-of-period bell rang and the kids were forming their usual bottle-neck traffic-jam in the doorway, he (yeah, it turned out to be a guy) simply stopped by my desk on his way out and, with a taunting smile, just as proud as you please, planted a new one on my desk. Right there in front of me! And then he was gone. But my God, it had turned out to be the last person in the class I would’ve expected! The quiet one. The loner. The scholarly namby-pamby nerd with the over-sized glasses…

So… who the hell WAS this guy?

His name was Eugene.

And Jeez! You kidding me? A “D-frickin’-MINUS!?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

OK, so I caught up with the kid in the cafeteria at noon and loomed over him at his table for an ominous mafia-moment before speaking.

So… I’m wondering if you might, you know, want to stop by my room right after school this afternoon. I’m thinking we probably have some things we both might want to say to each other. Am I right?”

Smiling almost condescendingly while pushing his glasses further up on the bridge of his nose with an index finger, (the better to observe me for the moment, and leaving me feeling uncomfortably like some peculiar biological specimen he had just happily discovered), “Of course,” he said. His voice was soft, cucumber cool.

Of course? I don’t know what I’d imagined but… I guess I was expecting more than two simple words. And now there he was sitting, politely waiting for any reply I might care to make. Like, the ball was in my court. And I was finding myself suddenly feeling somewhat… what, out of my depth, somehow? A little intimidated? Like I was in the presence of… well… I-didn’t-know-what?

Yes, I was the teacher of course, and he was the student. But honestly? “Teacher?” “Student?” Somehow the accepted connotation of those two now-seemingly relativistic tags were starting to feel a little slippery, getting somewhat emotionally blurred in my head. I didn’t totally feel I was standing on solid ground.

So… what could I say in response?

“Of course,” I replied, sharply turning on my heel and marching back out of the caf toward the safety of my room where I would spend the rest of the afternoon trying to concoct some/any workable plan to try to navigate myself through the uncharted territory

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So OK. 2:45 pm…

“Hey, Eugene. Yeah, come in, come on in. Have a seat…”

Me, seated in one of the student desks now, gesturing him toward the other waiting student desk, the one I’ve dragged around to be facing mine.

Still smiling pleasantly, he sits. “Thank you.”

And after a moment, I begin. “Well, this feels a bit awkward,”

Hmmm.”

“Yes. Just a tad. You?

He nods. “A tad.”

So…” I let out a long sigh. “Where to begin? Where. To. Begin?”

His smile remains. I sense a little curiosity going on in there. But calm. Comfortable in his own skin. Unlike me. And seemingly content in the wait-and-see stance he’s adopted. I catch a little twinkle in his eye. I believe he’s enjoying my discomfort.

“OK then. Let’s see. Two questions…”

“Alright.” He’s nodding for me to go ahead.

I take in a deep breath. Let it out.

“Yes. Number one: Why, sir, is it that I find myself doing so poorly in your class…?”

OK, that took him by surprise. A little double-take there.

“And number two: How can I up my grade, not only to passing, but to at least a solid B-? Is there any make-up work I might do?”

This scores me a soft, happy, little, inner-Eugene chuckle.

Hah! Didn’t expect that. Didja.”

Hmmm,” he says, shrugging his shoulders, and shaking his head no, with a little smirk.

“So OK. Let’s get on with it. What’s going on with you? With us?”

Looking me right in the eye, he says a single word: “Content.”

Very economical with his words, this one.

“Content? And by that, you mean…?”

He frowns. “OK, how do I say this…? Alright: Science Fiction is alive and well. And by that, I guess what I’m telling you is that it didn’t simply drop dead at the end of the 19th century.”

Begging your pardon?

“Sci-fi didn’t die back in the 1800’s, right after Jules Verne and H. G. Wells retired. OK? It’s been going on ever since. It just evolved, just as any living thing does eventually. It’s still alive and well right now. And guess what: still evolving. Even as we speak.”

“Uhhmm, O… K?? Your point being…?

Being that those four books you’ve listed in the syllabus were, sure, all hot-off-the-press back when Mark Twain was alive. And being that they’ve all been replaced a thousand times over since then.”

“Well… people still read them though. Don’t they?” I’d decided to play hardball.

“Sure. Kids stuck in sci-fi classes. But surprise. Other people? They’re reading and enjoying the new stuff. Ever hear of Isaac Asimov and Ray Bradbury?”.

“Yeah, I’ve heard of them. But back to the classics. They’re still making movies out of’em, you know. Movies that people buy tickets to go to and watch’em.”

“Really? When’s the last time you bought a ticket to The Invisible Man?”

“Well… OK… yeah. But it doesn’t seem all that long ago I went to see War of the Worlds...”

“Well guess what. They’re also making movies out of brand new sci-fi as well. Ever hear of 2001: A Space Odyssey?

“Oh yeah. I actually saw it. About four… maybe five years ago.”

“Really? Good for you. What’d you think of it, by the way?”

“”Uhmm… interesting. Long though, that’s for sure. Kinda difficult to understand. Especially the ending of it. And that computer in it…?”

“The HAL 9000. Yeah.”

“Scared the bejesus out of me.”

He shakes his head. “Maybe 2001 is difficult to understand because it’s just trying to get you to think. To broaden your mind a little. Just saying. Oh, and by the way. Have you seen Soylent Green? Just came out.”

WHAT green?

Soylent Green.”

“I have not. And what kind of a title’s that?”

“Go see it and find out. Stars Charlton Heston.

Oh. I know him at least. And I like him. Maybe I will.”

“It would be nice if you did, you know? Give yourself a chance to start boning up on some of the new stuff that’s out there. But hey, listen. Don’t get me wrong. I like the four books you chose. And respect them. It’s just that I read them… so long ago. When I was a kid. Along with The Invisible Man, Journey to the Center of the Earth… “

“Alright. I get it. But see, that’s you. I don’t get any inclination that the rest of the kids have.

“OK. Fair enough. But that could very well be because you adults who end up teaching science fiction by simply fall back on your pasts, rely on the books that you had to read. The old books… that fulfilled their purpose back in the day, sure, a hundred or so years ago. But now, see, they’ve become quite a bit stale. Why? I dunno, maybe because the future they were writing about has already come and even gone. And I mean, come on! There’s no law against kids reading some good science fiction that’s been written in this century, is there?”

“No. Of course not. But… whatta you consider good science fiction? I mean, this is an English class still, after all. You’d have to have something very well-written. Something with some real literary merit and value. Right?”

“Well of course. But look. OK. Science fiction is my… thing, alright? It’s what I do. Sci-fi is my bailiwick, you know?”

“Bailiwick? Hmmm. Me thinks you have a pretty good vocabulary…”

“Thank you. I do. Of course I do. Because I read all the time. And … hey, getting back to what do I consider good, well-written, science fiction? I don’t suppose you’ve heard of The Andromeda Strain.

“Uh… no. I haven’t.”

“By Michael Chrichton?”

“Nope.”

“Well… I feel so confident that… if I could just… get you to read… maybe only three or four chapters of it(and they’re short) you’d understand where I’m coming from! There is good stuff out there. And if you did try reading it, you’d… agree with me. I know you would. And hey, I have a copy of it.”

At this point, the gears in my skull were starting to turn, although reluctantly. I said, “Well, I can tell you one thing. I’m really starting to feel bad for you.”

“Why is that?”

“Because it’s really going to be a long, boring eighteen weeks, isn’t it. For you, I mean. Being stuck in here every day. Listening to us going over stuff you’ve already been through before.”

He shrugs.

“And… that’s no good. That’s no where even near ideal. I really don’t want to do that to you. So… I’m thinking… maybe you and me could, I dunno, maybe strike a deal.”

“A deal. Which would be… what, exactly?”

“Well, you honestly appear to know a heck of a lot more about modern sci-fi than I do. I hafta admit that. So… how about this for a start? You lend me your copy of Andromeda Strain and I’ll tackle it. And if the first few chapters are as engaging as you make’em out to be, I’ll read the whole thing.”

“You do that and you’re going to like it. You really will.”

“I probably will. Promise to try anyway. And then… how about this? Part of your… on-going assignment will be to work out a syllabus for me.”

“For… you.”

“Well, a suggested reading list anyway. And not all at once. You could take your time at it, OK? On-going, as I said. You know, authors and titles you’d include if you were teaching this class. And… think of me as this class, OK? That’d be helpful to me.”

“Well. I could do that.”

“Oh, and another part I’m pretty sure you’d find tempting. Feel free to join in on any conversation we’re having, or not, (that’ll be up to you, OK?) but… other than that, you can use this period as your own personal, sci-fi, free-reading time. Only stipulation: you gotta hand in a written log after finishing each title. A little synopsis, perhaps. And you could come up with some kind of personal rating system. You know, one to five stars or whatever. And maybe compare or contrast that book or short story to others your already familiar with. Actually, you could do that, too, with ones you’ve already read prior to this. That’d also be very helpful to me.”

Eugene is slightly shaking his head, looking just a little smilingly bewildered.

“We could work out the finer details as we go. But… you do this, and it turns out you’re the sci-fi expert you’re claiming to be, then I’m willing to trade you an A+ for… well, you giving me an introductory education in the modern stuff in this genre. It does appear that you’re a resource I can, I should, use. And so then next semester, my next Science Fiction class will very likely be taking off in a whole new direction. A win-win situation. That’s what I guess I’m hoping. So. Whattaya say?”

“Well. I guess I have to say that’d be an offer I can’t refuse.”

“Hmmm. Sounds like you’ve recently seen The Godfather.

“I have, as a matter of fact.”

We’re just sitting here now, eying each other tentatively…

“Eugene,” I finally say, “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

OK, YEAH, I DIDN’T ACTUALLY SAY THAT. I WAS JUST THINKING OF
CASABLANCA JUST NOW…
IS ALL

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

MY SCIENCE FICTION YEARS

I’ve already stated that practically anything that has come barreling at me down the pike has tended to change my life, at least to some extent. Well, Eugene got his A+. And me? I got into modern science fiction. Big time. My reading of the then-modern sci-fi books and stories simply caught fire. And... as the first sentence in Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451 reads… “It was a pleasure to burn.”

I’m an obsessive-compulsive personality anyway, so when something catches my fancy, I go all in. Can’t help it. I mean, all my life I’ve been helplessly and hopelessly hooked rabidly on one hobby or another that temporarily (for five years or so) would completely takeover my life: ham radio, photography, motorcycling, trying to be a “poet,” and computer programing, to name some.

So thanks to Eugene, who turned out to be my dealer for the gateway drugs that are well-written science fiction stories, I became a real sci-fi addict overnight. First of all, I fell head over heels with Michael Crichton’s The Andromeda Strain. Could hardly believe how fascinating it was.

I also latched onto a copy of 2001: A Space Odyssey and was so delighted to find that the book, by Arthur C. Clarke, explained the plot intricacies so much more understandably than the film had, that I didn’t have to lose any more sleep at night trying to figure it all out.

Hell, I remember one day I almost got run crossing the street in downtown Mexico because, jjust like some kid staring at his Medusa smart phone screen in 2024, I couldn’t pry my eyes out of the pages of Ray Bradbury’s Farhrenheit 451.

And one day I overheard Eugene speaking about “fanzines,” and I was like, What the hell’s a fanzine? Oh: it was a magazine for sci-fi fans. Next thing you knew, I was subscribed to OMNI, a very serious periodical that was half hard science and half science fiction. I was in sci-fi heaven.

It wasn’t long before I could see that along with the fiction in sci-fi, I was beginning to learn a decent amount of hard science as well, especially with the likes of Arthur C. Clarke’s works, of which I was reading a ton. So… in my five-to seven-year-long sci-fi reading marathon that ensued, the following wondrous authors’ names became the new sci-fi sugar plums dancing inside my addled brain: Isaac Asimov, Arthur C. Clarke, Larry Niven, Robert Heinlein, Ursula K. Le Guin, Ray Bradbury, Ira Levin, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Frederik Pohl, Douglas Adams, Michael Crichton, Poul Anderson, Theodore Sturgeon, Fritz Leiber, Robert Silverberg, Frank Herbert, Philip K. Dick, Jack Finney, Roger Zelazny, and Alan Dean Foster. Yes, these are authors I still hold dear after all these years, as is the memory-catalog of my long-favorite titles, titles I find myself wishing I’d never read yet, so I could revisit the pleasures of diving into, and discovering, their worlds for the first time all over again: Rendezvous with Rama, Slaughter House-Five, Ringworld, The Mote in God’s Eye, The Foundation Trilogy, Dune, Flowers for Algernon, A Clockwork Orange, The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Neutron Star, The Martian Chronicles, The Sirens of Titan, and On the Beach, and more along with the following six pictured below:

SIX OTHER OLD “FRIENDS” OF MINE

When 1977 rolled around sometime later, I was empowered by the administration to take my new first semester Science Fiction kids on a bused field trip to Lewiston to view Close Encounters of the Third Kind. And a couple of months later, I got to treat my second semester Sci-Fi class to a viewing of the very first Star Wars movie to ever come out. Yeah, I was a very popular guy that year teaching a very popular class.

Now here I am living in 2024 and, sure, I’ve cooled off on science fiction. I probably only read one a year, if that. I do watch quite a few science fiction flicks though. But I have to realize, and admit to myself, that all of the titles and authors’ names (which I was so nostalgically happy just to be typing them out in the paragraph above) have also pretty much faded away in popularity and blown like dead leaves away on the winds of time, every bit as much as The War of the Worlds and From the Earth to the Moon had already faded some fifty-something years ago.

As I have myself.

But again, I’ve had so many English class students in my career, a large number of which had a real impact on, and made a real difference in, my life. And my hope is that some might realize that their lives, their ‘stories,’ are still alive and well in my memories.

This particular post is a tip of the hat to one Eugene, a unique and courageous soul who dared to challenge me and, on top of that, teach me some things to boot. And even though Eugene stopped leaving those little report cards on my desk way back then, I like to think that by the end of it all, I too was pulling down some A+’s.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Like I’ve said before, I love comments. If you wish, feel free to leave one in the field below and then simply click on “POST COMMENT.” I usually respond…

Leave a comment

And if you like my blog posts, consider subscribing. Just type your email into the field below and click on “SUBSCRIBE.” Subscribing only means that whenever I post a new episode, you’ll receive an email link to that new post, nothing more. And you can always unsubscribe at any time…

Thanks for reading. To return to the Main Menu (a listing of all my earlier blog post choices) simply click on “CLICK HERE TO ACCESS THE MENU…” below…

Thank you for reading…

SCIENCE FICTION, EUGENE, AND ME, 1974

These days I often find myself reminiscing about the many, many past English class students that once occupied very big, though fleeting, parts in my past life… and hey, I’ve had a lot of high school English kids in my lifetime to reminisce over.

I mean, consider for a moment the thirty-four years wherein I averaged approximately five or six different English classes a day, give or take a study hall or two. And the usual enrollment per class size was somewhere between fifteen and thirty kids. But right here, for our purposes of keeping this diagram simple only, let’s go with fifteen, rather than the actual average of twenty-five.

MR. LYFORD’S ENGLISH CLASS VENN DIAGRAM

THE ACTUAL AVERAGE IS 25 STUDENTS.
(I was simply too lazy to try to squeeze
25 of those little circles in here. SORRY…)

Fifteen small circles (each depicting one of my kids) plus the slightly larger one with my name in it, and all of us intersecting the big mother-ship-circle representing that particular assigned English class.

So if you then go ahead and factor in all the classes I was teaching each day over those thirty-four years (6 classes/day x 34 years), that’s 204 classes. (More actually, since I was teaching different semester-, and sometimes quarter-classes, but we’ll go with 204.) So, multiplying those 204 by the approximately twenty-five kids per class, and you’ll come up with 5,100 lifetime students… at the very least.

It boggles the mind…

But see, because this blog is pretty much driven by all the little memory-sugarplums I’ve still got still dancing around in my head after all these years (like clouds in my coffee, clouds in my coffee… me, so vain I probably think this blog is about me), I find myself paying tribute to the stand-out ones, those few of the 5,100 kids who really left their marks on me, for one reason of another.

Like that Wes I recently wrote about. You remember, the little wise-ass who hilariously taped a hasty one-inch margin to each side of his sloppily-written essay in order to checkmate my One-Inch-Margin Rule that, if not met, required a full re-write…

… or little Danny, the kid who took a little piece of my heart along with him when he disappeared into the vast bowels of the Maine Juvenile Corrections Center.

Those being just two of the hundreds of freshman, sophomore, junior, or senior boys’ and girls’ faces that remain stacked in my memory like ready-to-play 45 rpm hits in some dime-a-play, 3-plays-for-a-quarter jukebox from the 60s and 70s. I mean, so many to choose from. A goldmine of flashbacks and reminiscences…

Today however, the one I’m about to share with you involves a pretty odd-duck case of classroom management. So welcome to yet another true story, configured here as The Strange Venn Diagram of…

But that’ll come a little further down the line. First… to digress purposely for a moment, in order to give you some introductory info…

It was in 1975, if I remember correctly, that we (Mexico High School’s 5-teacher English department) turned our standard English curriculum on its head. The 1970s was a decade of great innovation and creativity in education, all around the state and the country. A lot of experimental approaches were being tried. And we were no exception.

Basically what we did is create a suite of quarter- and semester- courses, the majority of which were electives. Our general goal was to kill two birds with one stone: (1) help to broaden the students’ knowledge of the world around them in a number of high-interest topical areas, and (2) promote a higher interest in well-crafted literature (always a good thing).

I can’t remember how many new courses we created, but it was quite impressive. Naturally we had to remain somewhat conservative at the same time in order to maintain scholastic credibility. Therefore, there were a few semester-length courses that were not electives— one, for instance, a required full-semester course of Grammar, Composition, and Usage, along with a couple of other required courses (for the college prep kids) on American or British literature (Shakespeare included of course). All of the courses were tweaked for kids in General English, General College Prep, and Advanced.

This big change was to inject some much-needed excitement into the curriculum. Imagine, instead of simply enrolling in plain old boring English I, II, III, and IV over your four-year high school career (like everyone before you had been doing for a hundred and fifty years), now you’d have some possible elective options: Psychology in Literature, Intro to Journalism, Native American Studies Through Literature, Creative Writing, Science Fiction, Advertising and Propaganda, Literature of the American Wild West, Sports in Literature, Literature of War, etc. It was an invigorating time for us teachers as well, despite the work involved in creating the new curriculum.

In the end, the particular slate of courses I’d drawn (the luck of the draw) included Creative Writing, which was wonderful for me, that being right up my alley— my ace of hearts.

However there was another one that didn’t thrill me at all: Sports in Literature. At first, that is.

I was hoping one of my colleagues would snarf that one up but no— I drew that Old Maid card. I mean, what in the world was I supposed to do with the Literature of Sports? I couldn’t recall reading any sports lit since 5th grade. And sure, I’d been somewhat of a jock (played Little League in junior high, basketball in junior high and high school, and run the mile in high school track). But… Sports Literature? I was never a sports lit reader.

Fortunately we had the entire summer vacation to prepare and bone up our new courses before school reopened in the fall. And secondly, being the English Department Chairman, I had one pretty helpful advantage: I was free to browse through any number of publishers’ catalogs and order myself free comp-copies galore, for perusal. They couldn’t wait to send me free copies, hoping I’d order a few complete sets (which I did).

Anyway, shortly into my catalogs searches, I came across ­this little gem: Great Sports Reporting (1970), an anthology of sports essays that had previously been published in the New York Times.

Surprise, surprise: these writings, which were primarily by scholarly celebrities from many walks of life, turned out to be highly cerebral. And not only did I unexpectedly end up liking that little book (a lot), I ordered a full set right away. And I have to say it: just like every other thing that’s serendipitously, out of the blue, come rolling down the pike in my direction, that book also changed my life just a tad.

For instance, as a result of reading one particular chapter, a recap of one of the most famous boxing matches in history known as “The Long Count,”

DEMPSEY

(the one between Jack Dempsey, “The Manassa Mauler,

and the against-all-odds underdog Gene Tunny, “The Fighting Marine” [Sept. 22, 1927]), I became the most helplessly,

TUNNY

hopelessly, stupidly pathetic champion of any underdog on the planet, factual or fiction. See, the hook that snagged little-ol’-English-teacher-me from the get-go was that it turned out Gene Tunny was practically being laughed out of the ring beforehand by pretty much the entire boxing world. Why? Because some reporter had spotted him, during some down-time at his training camp, sitting on a bench and reading (wait for it…) a Shakespearean play! Next day, that little nugget got splashed all over the sports pages, and right away Tunny became a virtual laughing-stock among the odds-makers. I mean, who was going to bet on some namby-pamby Shakespeare lover stepping into the ring with a “killer” like Dempsey, “The Most Vicious Heavyweight in Boxing History”, whose motto was “I can’t sing and I can’t dance, but I can lick any SOB in the house.” Dempsey scoring the KO was an obvious foregone conclusion.

And sure enough, in the seventh round, (this from Wikipedia)— “With Tunny trapped against the ropes… Dempsey unleashed a combination of punches that floored the champion. Two rights and two lefts landed on Tunny’s chin and staggered him, and four more punches put him on the canvas. Referee Dave Barry ordered Dempsey into a neutral corner to no avail; but Dempsey remained standing over Tunny.”

See, the savage Dempsey was known for standing right over his downed opponents, the easier to finish them off as soon as they tried to get to their feet. But by standing right there and refusing to go to his neutral corner, the ref’s 10-count was delayed. This gave the dizzy Tunny the few extra seconds he needed to recover. And before the next round was over, Tunny had ended up flooring Dempsey.

And there it was. I was hooked on underdogs. For life. Meaning I was going to end up in a horrific lifetime of one disappointment after another. Because that famous “Long Count” bout was a 100% real-life Rocky Balboa story. It was amazing. But consequently, I was now suckered into wasting decades of my life rooting for, and ridiculously expecting, the Red Sox to finally break the infamous Curse of the Bambino! Which, yeah, they finally did. In 2004! But lest we forget, that particular curse had been crushing the BoSox ever since 1918!!!!!

Alas, to this day I’m still always the hopeless romantic going for the underdog. I just can’t help it. To quote Shakespeare’s Romeo, “I am fortune’s fool!

So, if by chance you happen to be an underdog, please let me know and I’ll be rooting for you right to the bitter end.

But so much for Sports in Literature.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Another class I got assigned was a semester-length course, Science Fiction. And I was feeling great about that one. Smug, even. I mean hell, I’d read a ton of the sci-fi classics as a kid, hadn’t I. So, no sweat. It meant I wouldn’t have to be wearing myself out preparing for it. I was already prepared. I could practically see the entire syllabus, done and dusted, in my mind. So… of course I went right on ahead and ordered sets of H. G. Wells’ The War of the Worlds, Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, The Strange Case of Dr. Jeckyll and Mister Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson, and From the Earth to the Moon by Jules Verne.

Four of my favorites. Easy Peasey. And I can’t tell you what a relief it was to have at least one class plan already bagged and tagged as quickly as that. I still had a lot of paperwork to do on it, statement of goals, etc. but the syllabus had practically written itself and, before I knew it, I was neck deep in formulating the next one on my slate-of-courses list.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And then, alas, September had come. And there I was, back in the classroom, meeting and greeting my new students. And man, there’s always just something that feels so darned positive and optimistic about those early days, starting the process all over again, launching into a fresh start.

Creative writing turned out to be rather a hit (well, not for everybody of course, as some had just enrolled in it because there was an empty slot in their schedules needing to be filled) because the majority of the kids who had signed on really wanted to write their little hearts out. Which made my job easy.

Sports lit. was also doing well— mostly boys, but the three girls didn’t seem to mind being outnumbered amid all that letter-sweater testosterone.

Also I was particularly proud of my Advertising and Propaganda class since I’d thought that one up right from scratch. It was turning out to be so relevant, plus we had a great textbook to go with it. And there were so many honest-to-God fun projects to keep us busy.

Of course we had to have that same ol’ same old Grammar and Composition course. (yawn)

YAWN!

But Science Fiction held a surprise for me, and not in a good way either. I mean, it was going OK but… just OK, for some reason. Ironically, since that was the one I was so excited about, passionate about really, it was taking a lot of the wind out of my sails that it seemed to be coming across to the kids as a bit of a drag. I mean sure, they’d rather be taking Science Fiction than Grammar and Comp, so they really didn’t mind all that much I guess, but I’d expected more of a spark there.

And then…

…on top of that…

Something unsettling happened in that class by the end of the second week.

It was the weirdest thing. The end-of-class bell had just rung and the kids were herding themselves out into the hall. Yay. T.G.I.F. !

But…

Suddenly I spied a slip of paper, folded in half, lying on my desk, looking just a bit conspicuous. I didn’t think it had been there, last time I’d looked. Had someone left me a note? Me? But if so, why?

So… I picked it up, unfolded it, and…

What the…?

D+” was all it said.

HUH…?

Wait, was somebody… grading me? Grading me and grading me anonymously? How dare they?! I mean, what the hell?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So I went home that weekend with the note squirreled away in my pocket and the D+ stuck in my craw. I was irked, man. I mean, somebody was saying what, that I didn’t know what I was talking about? Or that I was boring?

Well hell… if there was one thing I wasn’t, it was boring. That much was clear. I mean, I was in my fifth year teaching, and nobody had come out to me with… “boring.”

But maybe the D+ wasn’t for “boring”…

But if it was for something else, then what? I started going over and over that class in my head. What had gone wrong? Were my jokes too corny? (Was it my clever puns? No, I didn’t think so. Puns are supposed to be lame; that’s the point.) No, I was pretty confident that I possessed what I was pretty sure was a healthy sense of humor. So that couldn’t have been it. Right?

But maybe it wasn’t something that had happened in that one particular class? Maybe the day before? Or maybe the whole goddamn week?

Jeez, I felt so… violated, you know? I mean there I was, just doing my job (and doing it professionally, I might add), and what? Some smart-ass, hotshot, anonymous, little sniper of a Lee Harvey Oswald puts the crosshairs on my back and squeezes off a round? And for no discernible reason I could come up with? Seriously?

Hey, who was the teacher here anyway? Me! I was the one doing the grading, not the one on the receiving end. Damnit though… that D+ was fast becoming an insidious little worm curled up in my brain and nibbling away at it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So… I began the class on Monday by doing something a little weird, a little out of the ordinary. Totally silent, I strolled mysteriously up and down each aisle, stopping for a moment and giving each and every face what I hoped was some pretty damn daunting eye-contact. And when the kids asked, “What’s up?” all they got from me was a business-like, but-almost-Cheshire-Cat smile. I had no idea what I was expecting from doing that. I guess I just wanted to spook whoever it was that had left me the note. And of course I got no indication whatsoever that any of my kids were spooked.

Actually, it left me feeling felt quite ridiculous and embarrassed after finally returning to the front of the room to start the class. I mean, who did I think I was? Hercule Poirot?

But long story short: I got no note on my desk that period. So: perhaps my mysterious little play-acting had spooked somebody after all. Yay, me!

But not so fast. When I returned to my room after lunch, there it was! A second poison-penned note. And all that was written on this one was Really?” and, below that, simply a “D.” Jeez!

So… The Game was afoot, was it…?

OK. But I knew one thing: I was gonna catch the little so-and-so! No doubt about it! And when I did? Then what? What the hell was I gonna do? Well, the plan both my id and ego were pushing for was wringing somebody’s wise-ass little neck and flunking the little bugger right out of existence! It looked good on paper but, fortunately, my pansy-ass superego butted in, pulled rank, and overruled their plot: No, THAT’S not going to happen. We’re better than that. We’re professionals now. There’s got to be a more acceptable Plan B.

I can tell you one thing though. My college Methods of Teaching: Classroom Management textbook was turning out to be of no help whatsoever. I was on my own.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Turned out The Game wasn’t destined to last long at all. At the end of class two days later, just after the end-of-period bell rang and the kids were forming their usual bottle-neck traffic-jam in the doorway, he (yeah, it turned out to be a guy) simply stopped by my desk on his way out and, with a taunting smile, just as proud as you please, planted a new one on my desk. Right there in front of me! And then he was gone. But my God, it had turned out to be the last person in the class I would’ve expected! The quiet one. The loner. The scholarly namby-pamby nerd with the over-sized glasses…

So… who the hell WAS this guy?

His name was Eugene.

And Jeez! You kidding me? A “D-frickin’-MINUS!?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

OK, so I caught up with the kid in the cafeteria at noon and loomed over him at his table for an ominous mafia-moment before speaking.

So… I’m wondering if you might, you know, want to stop by my room right after school this afternoon. I’m thinking we probably have some things we both might want to say to each other. Am I right?”

Smiling almost condescendingly while pushing his glasses further up on the bridge of his nose with an index finger, (the better to observe me for the moment, and leaving me feeling uncomfortably like some peculiar biological specimen he had just happily discovered), “Of course,” he said. His voice was soft, cucumber cool.

Of course? I don’t know what I’d imagined but… I guess I was expecting more than two simple words. And now there he was sitting, politely waiting for any reply I might care to make. Like, the ball was in my court. And I was finding myself suddenly feeling somewhat… what, out of my depth, somehow? A little intimidated? Like I was in the presence of… well… I-didn’t-know-what?

Yes, I was the teacher of course, and he was the student. But honestly? “Teacher?” “Student?” Somehow the accepted connotation of those two now-seemingly relativistic tags were starting to feel a little slippery, getting somewhat emotionally blurred in my head. I didn’t totally feel I was standing on solid ground.

So… what could I say in response?

“Of course,” I replied, sharply turning on my heel and marching back out of the caf toward the safety of my room where I would spend the rest of the afternoon trying to concoct some/any workable plan to try to navigate myself through the uncharted territory

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So OK. 2:45 pm…

“Hey, Eugene. Yeah, come in, come on in. Have a seat…”

Me, seated in one of the student desks now, gesturing him toward the other waiting student desk, the one I’ve dragged around to be facing mine.

Still smiling pleasantly, he sits. “Thank you.”

And after a moment, I begin. “Well, this feels a bit awkward,”

Hmmm.”

“Yes. Just a tad. You?

He nods. “A tad.”

So…” I let out a long sigh. “Where to begin? Where. To. Begin?”

His smile remains. I sense a little curiosity going on in there. But calm. Comfortable in his own skin. Unlike me. And seemingly content in the wait-and-see stance he’s adopted. I catch a little twinkle in his eye. I believe he’s enjoying my discomfort.

“OK then. Let’s see. Two questions…”

“Alright.” He’s nodding for me to go ahead.

I take in a deep breath. Let it out.

“Yes. Number one: Why, sir, is it that I find myself doing so poorly in your class…?”

OK, that took him by surprise. A little double-take there.

“And number two: How can I up my grade, not only to passing, but to at least a solid B-? Is there any make-up work I might do?”

This scores me a soft, happy, little, inner-Eugene chuckle.

Hah! Didn’t expect that. Didja.”

Hmmm,” he says, shrugging his shoulders, and shaking his head no, with a little smirk.

“So OK. Let’s get on with it. What’s going on with you? With us?”

Looking me right in the eye, he says a single word: “Content.”

Very economical with his words, this one.

“Content? And by that, you mean…?”

He frowns. “OK, how do I say this…? Alright: Science Fiction is alive and well. And by that, I guess what I’m telling you is that it didn’t simply drop dead at the end of the 19th century.”

Begging your pardon?

“Sci-fi didn’t die back in the 1800’s, right after Jules Verne and H. G. Wells retired. OK? It’s been going on ever since. It just evolved, just as any living thing does eventually. It’s still alive and well right now. And guess what: still evolving. Even as we speak.”

“Uhhmm, O… K?? Your point being…?

Being that those four books you’ve listed in the syllabus were, sure, all hot-off-the-press back when Mark Twain was alive. And being that they’ve all been replaced a thousand times over since then.”

“Well… people still read them though. Don’t they?” I’d decided to play hardball.

“Sure. Kids stuck in sci-fi classes. But surprise. Other people? They’re reading and enjoying the new stuff. Ever hear of Isaac Asimov and Ray Bradbury?”.

“Yeah, I’ve heard of them. But back to the classics. They’re still making movies out of’em, you know. Movies that people buy tickets to go to and watch’em.”

“Really? When’s the last time you bought a ticket to The Invisible Man?”

“Well… OK… yeah. But it doesn’t seem all that long ago I went to see War of the Worlds...”

“Well guess what. They’re also making movies out of brand new sci-fi as well. Ever hear of 2001: A Space Odyssey?

“Oh yeah. I actually saw it. About four… maybe five years ago.”

“Really? Good for you. What’d you think of it, by the way?”

“”Uhmm… interesting. Long though, that’s for sure. Kinda difficult to understand. Especially the ending of it. And that computer in it…?”

“The HAL 9000. Yeah.”

“Scared the bejesus out of me.”

He shakes his head. “Maybe 2001 is difficult to understand because it’s just trying to get you to think. To broaden your mind a little. Just saying. Oh, and by the way. Have you seen Soylent Green? Just came out.”

WHAT green?

Soylent Green.”

“I have not. And what kind of a title’s that?”

“Go see it and find out. Stars Charlton Heston.

Oh. I know him at least. And I like him. Maybe I will.”

“It would be nice if you did, you know? Give yourself a chance to start boning up on some of the new stuff that’s out there. But hey, listen. Don’t get me wrong. I like the four books you chose. And respect them. It’s just that I read them… so long ago. When I was a kid. Along with The Invisible Man, Journey to the Center of the Earth… “

“Alright. I get it. But see, that’s you. I don’t get any inclination that the rest of the kids have.

“OK. Fair enough. But that could very well be because you adults who end up teaching science fiction by simply fall back on your pasts, rely on the books that you had to read. The old books… that fulfilled their purpose back in the day, sure, a hundred or so years ago. But now, see, they’ve become quite a bit stale. Why? I dunno, maybe because the future they were writing about has already come and even gone. And I mean, come on! There’s no law against kids reading some good science fiction that’s been written in this century, is there?”

“No. Of course not. But… whatta you consider good science fiction? I mean, this is an English class still, after all. You’d have to have something very well-written. Something with some real literary merit and value. Right?”

“Well of course. But look. OK. Science fiction is my… thing, alright? It’s what I do. Sci-fi is my bailiwick, you know?”

“Bailiwick? Hmmm. Me thinks you have a pretty good vocabulary…”

“Thank you. I do. Of course I do. Because I read all the time. And … hey, getting back to what do I consider good, well-written, science fiction? I don’t suppose you’ve heard of The Andromeda Strain.

“Uh… no. I haven’t.”

“By Michael Chrichton?”

“Nope.”

“Well… I feel so confident that… if I could just… get you to read… maybe only three or four chapters of it(and they’re short) you’d understand where I’m coming from! There is good stuff out there. And if you did try reading it, you’d… agree with me. I know you would. And hey, I have a copy of it.”

At this point, the gears in my skull were starting to turn, although reluctantly. I said, “Well, I can tell you one thing. I’m really starting to feel bad for you.”

“Why is that?”

“Because it’s really going to be a long, boring eighteen weeks, isn’t it. For you, I mean. Being stuck in here every day. Listening to us going over stuff you’ve already been through before.”

He shrugs.

“And… that’s no good. That’s no where even near ideal. I really don’t want to do that to you. So… I’m thinking… maybe you and me could, I dunno, maybe strike a deal.”

“A deal. Which would be… what, exactly?”

“Well, you honestly appear to know a heck of a lot more about modern sci-fi than I do. I hafta admit that. So… how about this for a start? You lend me your copy of Andromeda Strain and I’ll tackle it. And if the first few chapters are as engaging as you make’em out to be, I’ll read the whole thing.”

“You do that and you’re going to like it. You really will.”

“I probably will. Promise to try anyway. And then… how about this? Part of your… on-going assignment will be to work out a syllabus for me.”

“For… you.”

“Well, a suggested reading list anyway. And not all at once. You could take your time at it, OK? On-going, as I said. You know, authors and titles you’d include if you were teaching this class. And… think of me as this class, OK? That’d be helpful to me.”

“Well. I could do that.”

“Oh, and another part I’m pretty sure you’d find tempting. Feel free to join in on any conversation we’re having, or not, (that’ll be up to you, OK?) but… other than that, you can use this period as your own personal, sci-fi, free-reading time. Only stipulation: you gotta hand in a written log after finishing each title. A little synopsis, perhaps. And you could come up with some kind of personal rating system. You know, one to five stars or whatever. And maybe compare or contrast that book or short story to others your already familiar with. Actually, you could do that, too, with ones you’ve already read prior to this. That’d also be very helpful to me.”

Eugene is slightly shaking his head, looking just a little smilingly bewildered.

“We could work out the finer details as we go. But… you do this, and it turns out you’re the sci-fi expert you’re claiming to be, then I’m willing to trade you an A+ for… well, you giving me an introductory education in the modern stuff in this genre. It does appear that you’re a resource I can, I should, use. And so then next semester, my next Science Fiction class will very likely be taking off in a whole new direction. A win-win situation. That’s what I guess I’m hoping. So. Whattaya say?”

“Well. I guess I have to say that’d be an offer I can’t refuse.”

“Hmmm. Sounds like you’ve recently seen The Godfather.

“I have, as a matter of fact.”

We’re just sitting here now, eying each other tentatively…

“Eugene,” I finally say, “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

OK, YEAH, I DIDN’T ACTUALLY SAY THAT. I WAS JUST THINKING OF
CASABLANCA JUST NOW…
IS ALL

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

MY SCIENCE FICTION YEARS

I’ve already stated that practically anything that has come barreling at me down the pike has tended to change my life, at least to some extent. Well, Eugene got his A+. And me? I got into modern science fiction. Big time. My reading of the then-modern sci-fi books and stories simply caught fire. And... as the first sentence in Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451 reads… “It was a pleasure to burn.”

I’m an obsessive-compulsive personality anyway, so when something catches my fancy, I go all in. Can’t help it. I mean, all my life I’ve been helplessly and hopelessly hooked rabidly on one hobby or another that temporarily (for five years or so) would completely takeover my life: ham radio, photography, motorcycling, trying to be a “poet,” and computer programing, to name some.

So thanks to Eugene, who turned out to be my dealer for the gateway drugs that are well-written science fiction stories, I became a real sci-fi addict overnight. First of all, I fell head over heels with Michael Crichton’s The Andromeda Strain. Could hardly believe how fascinating it was.

I also latched onto a copy of 2001: A Space Odyssey and was so delighted to find that the book, by Arthur C. Clarke, explained the plot intricacies so much more understandably than the film had, that I didn’t have to lose any more sleep at night trying to figure it all out.

Hell, I remember one day I almost got run crossing the street in downtown Mexico because, jjust like some kid staring at his Medusa smart phone screen in 2024, I couldn’t pry my eyes out of the pages of Ray Bradbury’s Farhrenheit 451.

And one day I overheard Eugene speaking about “fanzines,” and I was like, What the hell’s a fanzine? Oh: it was a magazine for sci-fi fans. Next thing you knew, I was subscribed to OMNI, a very serious periodical that was half hard science and half science fiction. I was in sci-fi heaven.

It wasn’t long before I could see that along with the fiction in sci-fi, I was beginning to learn a decent amount of hard science as well, especially with the likes of Arthur C. Clarke’s works, of which I was reading a ton. So… in my five-to seven-year-long sci-fi reading marathon that ensued, the following wondrous authors’ names became the new sci-fi sugar plums dancing inside my addled brain: Isaac Asimov, Arthur C. Clarke, Larry Niven, Robert Heinlein, Ursula K. Le Guin, Ray Bradbury, Ira Levin, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Frederik Pohl, Douglas Adams, Michael Crichton, Poul Anderson, Theodore Sturgeon, Fritz Leiber, Robert Silverberg, Frank Herbert, Philip K. Dick, Jack Finney, Roger Zelazny, and Alan Dean Foster. Yes, these are authors I still hold dear after all these years, as is the memory-catalog of my long-favorite titles, titles I find myself wishing I’d never read yet, so I could revisit the pleasures of diving into, and discovering, their worlds for the first time all over again: Rendezvous with Rama, Slaughter House-Five, Ringworld, The Mote in God’s Eye, The Foundation Trilogy, Dune, Flowers for Algernon, A Clockwork Orange, The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Neutron Star, The Martian Chronicles, The Sirens of Titan, and On the Beach, and more along with the following six pictured below:

SIX OTHER OLD “FRIENDS” OF MINE

When 1977 rolled around sometime later, I was empowered by the administration to take my new first semester Science Fiction kids on a bused field trip to Lewiston to view Close Encounters of the Third Kind. And a couple of months later, I got to treat my second semester Sci-Fi class to a viewing of the very first Star Wars movie to ever come out. Yeah, I was a very popular guy that year teaching a very popular class.

Now here I am living in 2024 and, sure, I’ve cooled off on science fiction. I probably only read one a year, if that. I do watch quite a few science fiction flicks though. But I have to realize, and admit to myself, that all of the titles and authors’ names (which I was so nostalgically happy just to be typing them out in the paragraph above) have also pretty much faded away in popularity and blown like dead leaves away on the winds of time, every bit as much as The War of the Worlds and From the Earth to the Moon had already faded some fifty-something years ago.

As I have myself.

But again, I’ve had so many English class students in my career, a large number of which had a real impact on, and made a real difference in, my life. And my hope is that some might realize that their lives, their ‘stories,’ are still alive and well in my memories.

This particular post is a tip of the hat to one Eugene, a unique and courageous soul who dared to challenge me and, on top of that, teach me some things to boot. And even though Eugene stopped leaving those little report cards on my desk way back then, I like to think that by the end of it all, I too was pulling down some A+’s.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Like I’ve said before, I love comments. If you wish, feel free to leave one in the field below and then simply click on “POST COMMENT.” I usually respond…

Leave a comment

And if you like my blog posts, consider subscribing. Just type your email into the field below and click on “SUBSCRIBE.” Subscribing only means that whenever I post a new episode, you’ll receive an email link to that new post, nothing more. And you can always unsubscribe at any time…

Thanks for reading. To return to the Main Menu (a listing of all my earlier blog post choices) simply click on “CLICK HERE TO ACCESS THE MENU…” below…

Thank you for reading…

EMPTY-DESK SYNDROME II: Oh, Danny Boy— It Is What It Is…

First: A Flashback from the End of Part I…

OK. One evening, right after dinner, I was sitting in my stuffed chair, reading some book or other, when I heard the phone ringing. I heard my wife picking up the phone in the next room and saying “Hello?” Then I could hear her murmuring something quietly.

Next thing I knew, she was standing next to my chair and looking down at me with a puzzled expression.

“What?” I asked.

“You’ve got a phone call,” she said tentatively, looking perplexed.

“Who is it?”

“The County Sheriff.”

“The who?! TheCounty sheriff?! Jeez... what the hell?”

I got up, walked out to the kitchen, and picked up the phone. “Hello?

“Hi. So… is this Mr. Lyford? Mr. Thomas Lyford?”

“It is. Why?”

“Tell me. Are you familiar with a Danny Brown, Mr. Lyford…?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Part II

Ohmygod, yes!” That question! Coming right outta the blue like that! And from a sheriff! What the hell? What the hell had happened?! And why was I being called, for crying out loud?! Why?! What’s this all about?!”

“Sorry to trouble you, Mr. Lyford. But when I told Danny I’d call his dad, he became really adamant that he didn’t want that. Instead he gave us your name. Insisted we call you. Which struck me as a bit unusual. So, just what, if I may ask, is the nature of your relationship with Danny?”

“Jesus. He’s alive then. Was he in an accident or something? Is he hurt?

“Oh no. He’s not hurt. But again, I’m just curious here. What is it you are to him?

“Well, after he got kicked out, expelled I mean, from MHS, the district hired me to be a tutor after the fact. To placate his mom. I was his English teacher anyway, before that. And it turned out I was apparently just about the only teacher Danny didn’t want to kick in the teeth. He liked me. So I sorta took him under my wing. And I’m no counselor or anything, but… well, it was sorta like I was… almost.”

“OK. Yeah. That square’s with what Danny’s telling us.”

“But anyway. I haven’t heard from Danny for a long while. And I’ve been seriously worried. So it really jumped me when you called. He just sorta up and disappeared on me. Ran away from home, you know?”

“Oh yes, I definitely know. So anyway, here’s the thing. A few days ago, Danny escaped from the Juvenile Correctional Center over in South Portland.”

“He what?! Wait… he was… inprison??? And then you’re saying he… escaped?!”

Well, escaping from there is pretty easy to do. I mean, it’s not Rikers. Or Alcatraz.”

“Oh my God, I had no idea…”

“Of course you didn’t.”

“I mean, shit!

“Yeah. So anyway… instead of his dad, he’s asking for you.”

Me?! But what for?”

Well, I guess… you could call this his one phone call.”

Uhmmm… OK…?”

“So… if it’s at all possible, we’d like you to come down to the station.”

“What? Who, me?

“Yeah. You busy?”

“What, you mean right now?!

“Can you? I’d really appreciate it.”

“Well… whatever the heck can I do down there?”

“I don’t know. But he’s asked for you. You said you’d taken him under your wing. Maybe it’ll just give him a little comfort while we continue to interrogate him?”

“Interrogate? You’re interrogating him?”

“Much more like interviewing him. Don’t let your imagination run away with you. We’re not sweating him under a light bulb and beating him with a rubber hose. We’re just asking some questions, is all. Maybe with your presence, here it’ll make him feel a little more comfortable enough to level with us. You’ll see, when you get down here? OK?”

“Christ. OK. Be there in a few minutes.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mid-1970s Me…

I can’t tell you how weird, how kinda scary it felt to walk into a county jail under those circumstances. The place smelled pretty much like my National Guard armory, the smell of uniforms and guns and sweat, I guess. The man at the desk said, “One moment. I’ll get him.”

And the next minute I was shaking hands with the county sheriff. “Good of you to come down,” he said.

“I hardly know what to say, under the circumstances. It’s… nice to meet you?”

“Thanks. Likewise.”

“So. What now…?”

“Basically I just want you to sit in on the interview. I want you to watch him while it’s ongoing. Listen to his part of the dialogue, and then afterwards, just tell me what you think, OK?”

“I dunno. I can’t imagine how that’ll… OK. I guess.”

“So. Come on in. There’s a chair waiting for you.”

He opened the door and escorted me in. Man, that felt spooky. But Danny’s face brightened right up, the moment he saw me.

Everybody? This is Mr. Thomas Lyford. Danny’s special tutor…”

“…and friend,” I added, shooting Danny the warmest smile I could muster. “Hey, Danny!”

I got a quiet, little, twinkly-eyed “hey,” back.

There were four other men in the room plus Danny seated around a table— two uniforms and two in civilian clothes. I don’t know who the hell they were, and there were no other attempts at introductions.

“So Danny,” said the sheriff. “I was about to ask. How long you been back in town before we pulled you in?”

Danny smiled, as if happy to finally be included. I have to say, he was looking very confident for a kid just freshly incarcerated and then interrogated. “Oh… I dunno.” Then looking calculatingly at the clock on the wall for a moment. “Maybe six, seven hours, give or take?”

Hmmm,” said the sheriff, also consulting the clock. So… you weren’t in town last Saturday then?”

“Nope. Not even close.”

So, exactly where were you? Saturday last.”

Danny cocked his head just a tad, one eye closed, looking within and flipping back through the pages of that calendar we all have in our heads. “That’d be Lewiston,” he said, nodding to himself.

“And what were you doing there?

“Me, hey I got friends all over.”

“And you definitely weren’t here the day before yesterday?

“Heck no. No way.

“You’re absolutely sure about that. Right?”

“I said. Truth, I really wasn’t in no big hurry to roll back into town. And obviously, turns out I shouldn’t’ve come back here this afternoon, right?

The sheriff, smiling. “Right. So then, why did you?”

“What, come back here?”

“Yeah.”

He shrugged. “Guess I just missed the old hometown, right?”

And I was thinking, Jesus, Danny not only seems overloaded on confidence here. I get the feeling he’s actually ENJOYING this! And I don’t get that.

The sheriff seemed a tad flustered. Throwing up his hands, he said, “Well, if you weren’t here this past week, that leaves you out of this.”

This seemed to immediately pique Danny’s interest. He leaned in, frowning, to focus on the sheriff. “Out of what?

Sheriff pushed himself back into his chair, getting himself comfortable like he was about to start telling a campfire story. “Well, to tell you the truth, a lot of copper’s been going missing all around here this week. Copper tubing. Pipes. You name it.”

Hmmm,” Danny said, appreciatively. “No shit.”

“You know anyone around these parts that would be liable to pull that sort of caper off, Danny?”

At that, Danny barked a laugh right out loud, which startled everyone, especially me. “Come off it,” he said jovially. “You and I both do! You know I could name twenty-five kids, just up to the high school alone who, pulling off a stunt like that would be right up their alley! Same as you. On top of that, I could give you half a dozen names of some dumb-ass hillbilly adults in town, who’d be even better at it.”

“Well, I’m sure you’re right about that. Yeah.”

Danny’d got the sheriff nodding and grinning. And I was beginning to look at Danny in a whole new light.

My best suggestion?” he said. “I’d check out my old man, if I was you. He ain’t no stranger at it, just sayin’.”

“OK. Will do. Want me to tell him you said Hi when I do that?”

I noted a flicker of darkness pass over Danny’s face before he put on a bigger grin and said, “Sure. He and I go way back.” Which got a little chuckle around the table. Which Danny noticed and seemed pleased by.

Sitting there and watching this gripping little drama unfold was like watching some weird docudrama on television. Because I was strictly a spectator, wasn’t a part of it at all. I mean, yeah, I was there. But what the hell was I even doing there?

“So Danny, another question. Maybe you can help me out on this. Where would anybody be likely to go, say, to try to unload a stash of copper around here? I mean, where would I go if, say, I wanted to ditch a haul like that? You see what I’m saying?”

At this, Danny frowned, jutting out his jaw like he was giving that problem some very serious thought. And that’s when it hit me. I was watching a ‘game of chess’ here. Between a couple of fairly talented opponents. And Danny obviously liked playing the game, despite the fact that he was obviously in deep shit, that he was under arrest, and that he had more than likely already lost the game. So obviously, this wasn’t his first rodeo. So there he was, playing the consultant for now. And that boggled my mind. I mean, what did I really know about my little Danny after all?

“Well, for one thing. You wouldn’t wanna try fencing it anywhere near this town. That’d be too obvious. Right? First places they’d check on. I mean, sure, there are two or three junk yards around here, but no… you’d want to drop it over in the next two or three counties, at least.”

Look at him, that little cock of the walk, I thought to myself. Loving being the center of attention. Loving sparring with the big dogs. Is he… showing off for me…?

Sheriff was nodding appreciatively, chewing on that information and even jotting it down in the little open notebook he had. And goddamn, if he wasn’t play-acting too, right along with Danny. This was more of a poker game than chess. All this back-and-forth bluffing going on around the table. But Danny? He was in his glory. Appeared to be seeing himself as running this interrogation.

I could see I’d never realized who it actually was I’d taken under my wing. Not really. How many sides of Danny were there? I was beginning to ask myself. This boy was loaded with charisma, had it to spare, and damn— didn’t he know how to use it! I was looking at a sprouting little conman in the making. Obviously a conboy already. And damn, wasn’t he just keeping his cool like you wouldn’t believe. How out-of-my-depth I was feeling. I was in awe.

In all, I watched that drama play out before me for a good forty or so minutes, and then bang, it ended. Just like that.

The door I’d entered through opened just a crack, and the guy manning the front desk poked his head in, got the sheriff’s attention with an ahem, and announced, “They’re here…”

“OK. Send’em in.”

And bang! in they came. Two of’em. Two practically seven-foot gorillas in matching white sweat suits, muscles bulged beneath the sweatshirt sleeves. So huge they instinctively ducked their heads down as they emerged from the open door. Two of’em… each of whom, one-handed, could’ve easily muckled onto Danny’s infamous high school phys. ed coach’s shirt front and pinned his dumb-ass, beer-gutted body up against the wall a foot off the ground, leaving his smelly Nikes dangling beneath him like like a pair of ballet slippers.

Their sudden appearance had instantly chilled the atmosphere. Danny’s face had paled and gone blank. I felt mine had too. I watched him shut right down and slump, like somebody’d violently yanked his plug out of the wall socket. This was like watching a TV tag-team of professional ‘wrestlers’ suddenly leaping over the ropes and landing in the ring. There would be no chess game or poker with them. There was no trace of Danny’s bravado now.

And these two guys had no interest in talking to any of us. They simply moved like a pair of gigantic spiders on our little trapped conboy. “STAND!” one of them ordered. And the back of Danny’s chair banged off the wall behind him as he lurched up out of it. I nearly collapsed out my own chair. They had him cuffed and lifted by the armpits in the blink of an eye; and then they were walking him around the table to head back for the door. And Jesus, Danny was so, so tiny now. One of them muttered a gruff, “Thank you” to the sheriff, almost as an afterthought.

And just as they began to pass through the door, I called out in a weak voice to Danny (too subdued to be heard by anybody, I’m sure), “I’m gonna come down and visit you in a week or two, Danny…”

And then he, they, were gone with the wind, leaving me feeling just awful.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The sheriff surprised me moments later with, “Actually, we knew it was Danny all along, with the copper and all. We knew it before we hauled him in this afternoon.”

“Jeez. Really? How?” My heart was still racing from the adrenalin of having just witnessed what looked like a snatch-and-grab abduction of a friend, a very good and special friend whom, I was realizing, I hardly even knew apparently.

“We got one of his buddies to cop to it yesterday. And the funny thing is, their big little gang actually did try to fence the stuff at a junkyard it right here, just outside of town. Why’d you think he was laughingly advising me to look outside the county only? That boy’s really something, ain’t he.”

“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “I see that he… really is. But… I mean I wanna tell you, he and I? Christ, we’ve gotten along so damn well.”

“I’m not surprised.”

“No, I’m serious. As his tutor… outside of school? I’m telling you that that kid was really doing his homework. I mean, we actually discussed his history assignments, him and me— you know? Because he’d actually read them. And he was totally responsible for showing up, every time, whenever he was scheduled to. Damn it all to hell, we really had a good thing going, him and me. And hell, I’ve really warmed to that kid. I like that little guy.

“Hell, I like him too. He and I go back a ways. Unfortunately. He kills me though. And like you, I’d like to see someone, like yourself, be able to turn him around. But you know what? That little bugger has already left that station. And he’s traveled too far down the track to turn around. That’s my sad opinion anyway, based on years of experience. It is what it is.”

“Sad is what I’m feeling too right now, where he’s concerned. Then too, my eyes have been opened, sitting here, as to what a little manipulator he is. He’s got such charisma, for a little twerp.”

“Yeah. Charisma’s the main required asset for a con artist. That, and being a chameleon. Danny? He can be whatever you want him to be… if it benefits him.”

“A chameleon. Yeah. He’s that, it turns out. I guess I have to face that. But… I’m having a hard time accepting that that charisma is the only thing that’s charmed me into liking him. Well, not totally anyway. I mean… I did, I swear, I discovered some goodness in that kid. I never had one single discipline problem with him. I treated him with friendliness and respect, and that’s what he gave me back in return. And jeez, all or most of the other teachers are so down on him over there at school and, sure, I can imagine all the reasons they have for feeling the way they do, too. But… he never stood a chance over there. He had ‘Failure’ rubber-stamped on his forehead long before I ever met him.”

“Yeah. Tell me about it. But unfortunately… it just is what it is.”

I try that on for size. “It is what it is.

“That’s about all you can say.”

“Tell me something. Why the hell did you want me to come down here anyway. I mean… I was no help. Just a silent spectator. Although I guess I’m glad you did. For… some reason.

“Because Danny really wanted you here. That’s why. I told you, I like the little bastard too. I guess I was impressed that somebody… anybody… had touched him in some way. But I dunno. I have to admit… I just wanted to get a look at ya.”

“Well… thank you. I am glad I came down. Again… for some reason.”

“So… you really gonna go down and visit him at the correctional center?”

“Yeah. I am. Really.”

“Well, good.”

“I mean, I never even knew he was down there. And now that I do know… well, after all this, I imagine he’s gonna be stuck down there a heck of a lot longer than even before. So… well, I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye tonight. And the way I’m feeling now? I really want that chance. To say a proper goodbye.”

“I hear you.”

“Plus, I really want a chance to just talk with him again. One more time. You know. To try to wrap my head around this whole thing. Because it’s really bugging me, all this. I need to ask him some questions. Questions about how he sees his future. What life is like down there, on the inside. But… more than that, I guess mostly I really just want him to know that someone, at least, cares. I want him to know I’ll always remember the time I had with him. As bleak as his life’s probably gonna be, I want him to have that at least, even if my telling him that is the only, single, solitary, damn positive note he ever gets over the rest of his life. I want there to be at least that.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Two Weeks Later at the State Juvenile Correctional Center

(Please allow me to begin the closing here by digressing for just a moment. Back in the day, Readers’ Digest had a regular feature titled “The Most Unforgettable Person I Ever Met.” Over my lifetime, I’ve encountered more than my share of characters fitting that description, not the least of which was Danny. And that being said, welcome to one of the most unusual conversations I’ve ever had in my life!)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

JUVENILE YOUTH CENTER

So, I did it. I made the appointment, traveled the two and a half hours down to South Portland on a Saturday morning, and got the chance to meet with Danny to offer him a proper goodbye.

It had seemed pretty strange, me going down to the county sheriff’s office to see him there that time but, man, it was much more of a bizarre experience jumping through all the administrative hoops to get myself admitted deep inside that prison. And just like the two seven-foot bouncers that had come to escort Danny back here that day, it turned out practically every working man in that institution was built like Sherman Tank. It was like stepping into a Gold’s Gym. I mean me? I stood five and a half feet tall back then but, relativistically, I was feeling like some little horse-racing jockey in a paddock of Clydesdales. Until, that is, little shorter-than-me Danny was escorted over from somewhere in the facility to the table I’d been assigned.

He was surprised to see me. I mean really surprised. And glad to see someone whom he was pretty sure he’d gotten to like him. Sadly though, it hit me that he still looked as tiny as he had when he’d been forcibly removed from the county jail.

We shook hands and went through the small talk. The old howya doin’ thing. But then I got down to the brass tacks of the heart of things. I assured him that the time he and I had spent together, especially those carefree tutoring sessions over coffee and everything from breakfast to apple pie, was one of the better times in my teaching career at that point (a period which was, yeah, only a half dozen or so years, but still…), and that I’d never forget them. I told him that, yes, I realized I didn’t know him as well as I’d thought I did, but that I really liked what I’d had the opportunity to discover in him. That yeah, I was aware that that was coming across as pretty mushy, considering where we were. And throughout this part of our conversation, he’d remained pretty much subdued.

But finally… (and this is the part I’m really wanting to share with you, dear reader) came Danny’s Story:

“So anyway, I’ve got this question, Danny. Whatever happened between the time (A) you slammed my classroom door, called the coach a fat fucker, and took off running… and (B) now? What happened to you that ended up with you incarcerated here? I mean, can I even ask you that? It’s impossible for me to make sense of it, you know? But hey, just go ahead and tell me to go to hell and mind my own goddamn business, if I’m out of line. And that’ll be OK, that’ll be fine. But man, I hafta admit Im curious. Just trying to imagine how the dots connect between then and now...”

He smiled at me. And that signature twinkle in his eye had returned. “Oh, I can tell you,” he said. “But you’ll never believe me.” And it was good to see the old Danny beginning to peek through at me again, even if I probably should add ‘whoever that was…

“Oh. I won’t?

Nah.

“Can you at least try me?”

“Sure. I can do that. But like I said…

“Alright. So…? Come on. Lay it on me.”

“OK. It is what it is. But here goes. So first of all, just so you know, I ducked quick around the side of the school that day. Circled around the back of the building. Lost myself in some trees. Then made my way down to Route 2 ,and hitch-hiked my way outta town. I mean… Id just had it, ya know?”

“Yeah, I got that at the time. And believe me, I understood it.

“Long story short, I eventually ended up being charged with every single count in the books.”

I think about that. “Every SINGLE one, huh?”

“You got that right.”

Oh. OK. So… Who’d you murder?

Hah! Well, no, you got me on that one anyway.”

“Phew!”

“Everything else though! Everything from littering to kidnapping.”

“Oh for Christ’s sake. Listen to you! Danny… come off it. You did not!

“Told ya you wouldn’t believe me.”

“Now wait a minute! I’m supposed to believe this… ‘littering to kidnapping’? That’s sounding like… quite the tall tale, kiddo.”

“Swear to God it’s true.”

“Jeez. And here you are, sounding proud of it!”

“Hey. It is what it is. What can I say?”

“Come on. I mean, littering to kidnapping don’t quite seem to go together, do they. That’s… quite the stretch.

Well, littering’s what started the whole damn thing!”

“OK… OK. Go on, then.”

“It was like this: a couple days after I took off, and I’m in this car toolin’ down the road with my girlfriend, OK? Next thing you know, I got the flashing blues behind me. So I put the pedal to the metal and try to lose him, OK?”

“Of course you did. Right. Great idea, Danny…”

“So for just a minute, see, I get some distance between him and me, and I go flyin’ ‘round a corner, temporarily outta his sight. So I tell my girl, ‘Quick! Throw that bag of stuff on the back seat out the window!’ But she’s a little slow on the uptake, and by the time she finally does toss it, he’s right behind us!”

Good Ol’ Danny, he’s back in story-telling mode mode, happy as a clam now.

“So OK…” I say, “that explains the littering charge. And hey. I’m sure you don’t need me telling you this, but… not the best timing on your part, was it? Not exactly the best time to litter. Just sayin’.”

“Yeah, yeah. OK. But guess what. That bag had my burglary tools in it. Little wrecking bar. Suction cup glass-cutter…”

Ohmigod! Burglary tools? You had a bag of…? Oh Danny!”

Uh huh. Like I said. It is what it is. So now we’ve got what,” him counting them out on his fingers now, “littering, speeding, resisting arrest, driving to endanger… and burglary!”

I was shocked. My God, if this was true… the trouble he was in!

And… it didn’t help that the car I was driving was uninspected. Plus unregistered….”

“Stop it! You’re making this up.”

“Hey. Ask whoever it is you hafta ask. You’ll find out.”

“So… dare I ask… about… you know… the kidnapping charge?”

He shook his head, thinking back, and sighed. “It wasn’t really a kidnapping. She was my girlfriend, for crying out loud. It was her idea to come along with me. She wanted to. And she did.

“So… where’d the kidnapping charge come from then?”

“Well, number one, her parents didn’t like her hanging around me. At all. They didn’t like me… is really what they didn’t like. Number two, getting informed by the fuzz that their daughter was in custody (along with me)? Well, that didn’t sit very well. And of course, number three… considering she was under age and all…”

WHOA! Damn it, Danny! I mean, jeez!

“Well, whattaya think, she was thirty years old or something?? I mean, look at me, bud. I’m underage too, damnit. Right?

“Well… yeah. True.”

“So number four. It was up to them, wasn’t it. Whether to press charges or not. And her being a minor and whatnot — well, they had her over a barrel, didn’t they. She had to go along with it, right? So: long story short, I guess they made her sign some papers on me, or whatever. And here I am.”

When I exhaled, that was the first I realized I’d been holding my breath. “Jesus H. Christ, Danny. You have a lawyer yet?”

He snorted. “Well, yeah, I guess you could call him that. Yeah.”

“So… then I mean, have you been given some estimation about, like, how much time you’re facing? Or anything about what you can expect at all? I probably don’t even wanna know the answer to that though, right?”

“No. Nothing specific. I’m going to be here a while, that’s for sure. But, he keeps telling me that the bright side of all this is that I’m a juvie. So it’s not gonna be forever. And if I keep my nose clean, that’s gonna help.”

“Keeping your nose clean. I’m guessing he means starting over. Now. After your just-recently-busting-out-of-this-place…”

“First of all, I really didn’t bust out of here. I just walked out. Simple as that. Just walked right out through a door. Simple as…”

UH-oh, Danny. One of your gorillas-in-charge here is heading our way, coming right up behind you. And I believe he’s signaling time’s up.”

Figured that was about to happen.

“Yeah.”

I stood, and addressed the guard with a polite thank-you. Danny took his time getting to his feet.

“Danny. Just so you know: our time together, back there in English class and those café and restaurant discussions we were having? KNOW that that was such a damn good time for me. Just what the doctor ordered. You brought a much-needed breath of fresh air into my otherwise repetitive, routine-teaching-life. And I’m never gonna forget you OR forgive that dick of a gym coach for taking that away from me. I really like you, kid. I want you to know that.”

“Same here, Mr. L.”

“So sorry, Danny.”

He shrugged. “It is what it is.”

And the man behind him barked, “LET’S GO! TIME’S UP!

I just waited and solemnly watched until the two of them, in my mind looking like a forlorn Mutt and Jeff, passed back out of sight through a door that would take them somewhere else among the warrens of cages, or whatever was out there waiting for his return in this, his new world.

And my God, I was twenty-five years old, a quarter of a damn century old, but I was still having to learn all these unexpected and uncomfortable new-to-me truths about this world I was living in. In fact, I hadn’t totally figured out exactly what I had learned out of all that had happened.

That was gonna take time.

But at least I wasn’t quite as naive that day as I had the day before. Right?

Plus yardage.

It is what it is.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Like I’ve said before, I love comments. If you wish, feel free to leave one in the field below and click on “POST COMMENT. “I usually respond…

Leave a comment

And if you like my blog posts, consider subscribing. Just type your email into the field below and click on “SUBSCRIBE.” Subscribing only means that whenever I post a new episode, you’ll receive an email link to that new post, nothing more. And you can always unsubscribe at any time…

Thanks for reading. To return to the Main Menu (a listing of all my blog post choices) simply click on “CLICK HERE TO ACCESS THE MENU…” below…

EMPTY-DESK SYNDROME: Oh, Danny Boy

Danny occupied a seat in one of my General English classes for a while, way back in the mid-70s.

A sawed-off freshman, standing at maybe four and a half feet, bright blue eyes, a thatch of blond hair, and a crooked little nose that very likely came from somebody’s knuckle sandwich (possibly his old man’s). A scrapper, like most short boys turn out to be, defying all odds in a series of I’ll-show-you-who’s-the short-one dust-ups. A hair-trigger, instantly-ignitable fuse, turning pit bull whenever confronted by aggressive, all-powerful, male authority figures.

But that’s why he liked me so much. I was decidedly not one of the faculty nazis.

I started out as a blank slate when my first signed contract landed me on my feet in a high school English classroom. A blank slate being coached by the administrative cabal to ‘Go in there and show’em who’s boss. Make’em fear you or they’ll eat you alive. Be a General George S. Patton, and give’em hell. They are not your friends. They are them, and you are you. Keep it that way!

THE CABAL

And next thing I knew, I found myself trapped in a classroom with thirty ‘they’ll eat you alive!’ predators of all sizes and shapes, and all of’em staring at me at once! Right away I was feeling like Catch 22’s Major Major Major Major—me, desperately striving to fudge being just that All-Powerful Authority Figure… something I was finding out quickLY I wasn’t any good at. Because…

Turns out… I’m a bleedin’-heart empath.

Early on, I became horrified to realize that somehow I was finding myself beginning to (oh no) like them. Even though (and I’m swearin’ this is true on a stack of Bibles here) I was doing my best trying NOT to!

What could be wrong with me, I wondered, spinelessly letting down my defenses like that?

Before long I was becoming known as one of ‘those teachers,’ the patsy who found it nearly impossible to say no when one of’em would ask me for the bathroom pass during class, something that was harped against over and over during just about every faculty meeting I ever attended. And you know, I’ve gotta say I felt pretty damned sheepish and guilty about that. Like I was letting down not just my colleagues, but The American Way.

NO COMMENT…

(But I mean, hell, if it was me and I had to go, I’d be making a bee-line for the men’s room just like my fellow faculty would if it were them.

(But, REMEMBER, Mr. Tom… “They are them, and you are you.”)

I could barely look at myself in the men’s’ bathroom mirror. But… come on, what was I supposed to do? I mean, they were all little individuals, these kids, weren’t they. Little human beings (kind of like myself actually, what with all their questions, and fears, and joys, their flaws, their baggage, and their disarming and often hilarious senses of humor)! I mean, they all had such interesting little personalities!

Still, from early on I was feeling like the World War II stalag escapee, disguised in a stolen nazi uniform and hoping to pass for a member of the Third Reich.

So. Go ahead. Say it. I was a “teacher” who was never cut out to be a teacher. I’ve accepted that.

CALL ME ICHABOD. CRANE..

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So: Danny hated authority figures. And Danny liked me. Even liked my English class.

Well, not the English parts of it so much, necessarily, but the me part. Which was cool. I’d be telling my students stories about my childhood as topics for writing prompts, and now and then read aloud to them parts of their literature reading assignments, to give’em a head start and to tickle his interests. But where Danny was concerned, I would honestly listen to him when he had something he wanted to say (which was often), whereas the majority of the faculty, the nazi contingent? Hell, they weren’t all that interested in him enough to do that. He honestly had interesting things to say though. Plus, he had a wicked sense of humor.

So I came to like him as well. A lot of it was that Danny was the classic underdog and, damnit, I’ve always had a soft spot for underdogs. Still do. Therefore, it was an adventure for me getting to know this angry little hothead over the few months I got to spend with him, getting to begin to know what made him tick. I really felt it a privilege to get to see and know the good-hearted little side of the guy. And I’ve gotta say, when he was in my class his attitude seemed so bright and cheery.

But there was also something about that very thing which saddened me too, something I couldn’t put my finger on. I mean, there were all these red flags hinting at some occasional violence so obviously woven into his past. I mean yeah, he was getting into fist fights at school, but this felt that more than that.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

But then one day he disappeared, was just flat-out gone. And after five consecutive days of recording his seat empty while taking attendance, the kids informed me, “He’s gone, and he ain’t coming back.” They were hazy about the circumstances however and, me, I was figuring despite what the kids told me, he’d more than likely just been temporarily suspended again for something.

Anyway, I decided to drop by the assistant principal’s office to find out what was what. The kids were right— the administration had indeed given him the ol’ hit-the-road-Jack, that’s-all-she-wrote boot.

Turned out our gorilla of a numb-nuts football coach…

A FACE NOT EVEN A MOTHER COULD LOVE

(sorry, I just didn’t like him and, yes, he was that very same simian from one of my previous posts, titled “Behind Closed Doors,” who’d provoked the teacher’s little mess-hall-riot with after blowing a cigarette smoke-ring into our science teacher’s face and saying, with all the humanity of Shane’s Jack Palance, “Hey, I know what. How ‘bout I stub this butt out right in that ugly kike face of yours?!”) (yeah— that guy…)

…decided to teach our little boy some proper manners (irony intended) by pinning Danny up against the gymnasium wall during a phys. ed. class and showing him, up close and personal, his big hairy iron fist.

However… unbeknownst to our self-proclaimed, staff Charles Atlas, the little soul he had chosen to manhandle was The Son of Dr. Bruce Banner— that’s right, a.k.a. The Incredible Hulk, Jr. So yes, Coach was taken a little by surprise finding out he had a rabid little Tasmanian Devil going berserk in all directions down at the other end of his arm! And according to the other kids in the gym class, Danny managed to get in quite a few good ones (BIFF! POW! THOK!), before he eventually got sat on and pinned down.

BIFF! THOK!

(Oh, what I would’ve given to have seen the look on Coaches’ face when it was HIS nose that took a punch. Go, Danny!)

But… nonetheless Danny was gone. M.I.A. And that hurt. Because it left me with that always unexpected empty-desk-syndrome that all career teachers have to contend with from time to time, often for circumstances much worse than a mere expulsion. But I missed him.

EMPTY-DESK SYNDROME

And what stung the most was knowing that his expulsion was so unnecessary. There are so many different ways to handle a potential disciplinary problem other than brute force, you know? Coach, however, didn’t think that way. No, his motto? Always out-muscle your problem (especially if they’re smaller than you) as a first resort.

Actually, it was pretty obvious that Coach and Danny had something in common: an acute need for anger management training. I suspected both of them suffered from secret feelings of being seen and judged as less than down deep inside.

But, oh well. It was what it was. What could I do about it? Nothing apparently.

A week passed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Then…

STRANGE THING #1 happened.

I was sitting at my desk after school one afternoon when the office secretary buzzed me over the intercom.

“Hey there, Mr. Lyford?

“Yeah?”

“The principal wants to see you in his office.”

Oh shit! “What…? Right now?”

“You got it.”

Uhmmm… be right there.” What started going on in my gut right then could have been the perfect inspiration for the Jaws’ theme. I mean, I hadn’t done anything wrong.

Had I?

His door was open.

“Close the door,” he said. So I did that and plopped down in the hot seat in front his desk.

“What’s up?” I asked, feeling cautious.

“Any chance you might be looking for a job, Tom?”

What the hell…? That was just me doing my little internal little double-take. But he was smiling a friendly smile.

“Beg your pardon?”

“Looking for work?”

“Not right at this moment I’m not, no.I put on a matching smile and hoped for the best, asking playfully, “Why? This where I’m about to get my pink slip so that I’d very well better start looking for a job? Or what? I mean…?”

“Oh no no no. It’s just… I’ve got this job for you, if you’re interested.”

Well, I hafta say I never saw that coming. “What’re you talking about? A job? I’ve got two jobs already. Here, and the Phillips 66 part-time. But you know that.”

“I do. But I’ve got an offer to make anyway. You don’t have to take it, of course. But I figure you might. It involves our Danny.”

Double-take #2. “Danny?!

“Yeah. His mom and a couple of counselors are feeling he got a raw deal. And they want us to do something to try to remedy that, to find a better way for the kid, to whatever extent we can.”

“You wanna know what: he did get a raw deal far as I’m concerned, considering who the other guy was in the confrontation.”

“Water under the bridge.”

“Sure, sure. He wins football games for you. I get that. So we’ll just go with water under the bridge. Yeah.”

“Tom, we’re here to discuss looking forward. Not...”

I was just sayin’. But… yeah. Sure. OK. Whatever.

“And point taken, alright? However, moving right along… turns out you seem to be just about the only teacher Danny seems to’ve been able to get along with.”

“Well, yeah. There’s this: I do treat him like he’s a human being, surprise surprise. And on top of that, I’ve never felt the need to try to ‘break’ him, like he was some wild mustang fenced up in a corral.”

“Well, that’s good.”

Plus… he’s an interesting kid. Down deep inside. He really is. And the way I see it anyway, he’s been through a lot. At home. And everywhere else.”

“I hear you.”

“See, in the weekly journals I have the kids writing, he’s honestly revealed a lot. His life hasn’t been any picnic, you know. And because I let him write about whatever he wants, whatever he needs to express, freely… and because I, you know, actually read and discuss his journal entries with him, he’s pretty much happy to be there.

“So… we getting him back, or what?”

“No. He’s not coming back. At least this year anyway. So, here it is: the powers that be have prompted me to ask you to consider being his special tutor. Outside the classroom. Outside the school.

“What? Really? Huh! Wow, I dunno. I guess I’ll hafta think about that one.”

“We need your answer right away.”

“Well, I mean… how much time is this gonna take? Like, what kind of schedule might we be looking at here?”

“That would totally be up to you.”

“What… totally?

“Totally. You’d be in charge of it. Your schedule. And here’s the rest of the details… in what I hope you’ll see as an offer you can’t refuse.”

“Alright, I guess. Lay it on me.”

“First of all, you can meet with him wherever you like. Well, any place except here. He can’t be at the school. But… you know, your place. A café, over a cup of coffee. A park bench. Whatever. Totally up to you. His mom’s OK with that.”

“Wow.”

“Secondly, you’re a professional. And your pay would be commensurate with your professional status. I can guarantee you won’t be unhappy with the financial arrangement.”

“Ah. Money. The universal carrot.”

“But here’s the frosting on the cake. When it’s all said and done, what you’d honestly be getting paid for is… and you’ll find this hard to believe, I’m guessing… I did— is to be his friend.”

Whoa. ‘Paid to be his friend, you say?’ Hold on. Did I just hear you correctly?”

“You did. And I know, right? But that’s the way the board put it to me. Verbatim.”

“Wow. That’s… really something.”

“It is.

“I mean, I’d feel kinda creepy. You know, money for friendship and everything…”

“Well see, the board really just wants this whole rat’s nest out of their hair. Get this whole thing behind them.”

“Well, that figures.”

“You would, however, be responsible for covering four generic subjects with him. History. English. Math. And Science. And we would ask, of course, that you keep tabs on his progress. You’d, you know, do your record-keeping. Work out some way, your own way, of calculating and recording a grade for each of the four… but in the end, it’ll be strictly on a pass/fail basis only.”

“Wow. Curiouser and curiouser. I’d say somebody’s really greasing the skids here. I’m feeling all like…what’s his name, Mister Phelps of Mission Impossible? Only that guy was never baited with such positive inducements to ‘accept his missions,”

“On the contrary, considering the young man we’re discussing here, I can hand you a baker’s dozen of faculty names who would beg to differ with you on that, and wouldn’t want to touch this deal with a ten-foot pole.”

“Yeah. I get that, I do. But if you, or they, could ever have seen him in my class on most days, you’d witness that little… often funny human being that I’ve come to know.”

“OK. So, can we get right down to it then? Whatta you think? You in? Or are you out?”

“Well, I think the damn kid needs a break. That’s for sure. He’s been through so much, and always getting the sharp end of the stick. And I mean, honestly? I’ve been pissed off, if you want to know the truth, about the whole way he was just tossed aside. Well, that’s the way it seems to me anyway. But more than that, this whole fiasco has left me feeling… I gotta say, sad.

“So… you in?

“So… this does sound like kind of an adventure. Sounds like something I ought to do.”

“Is that a ‘yes’?”

“Well…I could be wrong.”

Yeah?

“But… I guess that’s a ‘yes,’ apparently.”

And so it was.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Despite the uncomfortable, guilty weirdness of being paid for ‘being somebody’s friend’ (I mean, never in a million years could I have been led to believe that such an arrangement might even be an allowable possibility under any circumstances), that change in my job description immediately swept away that dark heaviness of my ‘Danny’s empty desk syndrome.’ More than that, it brought the proverbial ‘ray of sunshine’ into my routine life.

I mean, try to imagine this. On a Monday after school, say, you pick the kid up and swing over to Freddy’s Restaurant… and there, along with the coffee and apple pie on the table, you’ve got your pair of history books cracked open. And you’re both into it, the assignment I mean. Or on a Saturday morning, over at the Chicken Coop perhaps, the coffee and breakfast (which is on you, of course since, with what you’re unnecessarily being paid for friendship, you can afford it) are providing the backdrop for you and him to discuss his latest journal pages.

And always, on the opposite side of booth you have a student who is both (A) delighted to be rid of the school he just was never fitting in with, (B) honestly happy to see, and be, with you, and (C) on top of that, has honestly read or written his assignment and is ready to talk about it.

And then who knows, maybe even on a Sunday the two of you might walk the sidewalks a mile or two of all over town, talking about Life and where it’s taking you… him telling you stories about his life and you telling him stories about yours.

Considering that all during my career, to that point, I’d been off and on somewhat successfully juggling classes of between twenty and thirty kids at once, this one-on-one thing was such a luxury.

He seemed to be loving my English assignments by the way (mostly because he liked me); really liking the history stuff (we were reading Howard Fast’s gripping historical novel, April Morning, about the battles of Concord and Lexington); wasn’t caring much for general science; and really wasn’t feeling any love whatsoever for math (a kid after my own heart, there). So, science and math were, yeah, more of a challenge for us.

But on the whole, this arrangement was great for him, I was sure of that, and good for me as well. Looking back on the set-up we had, the expression ‘happy days springs to mind.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After about three weeks or so of the arrangement running like a well-oiled machine, the weather had started turning colder. And the only sweatshirt Danny had was still hanging in his locker back at school, along with a few other things he wanted to retrieve. So, on a Friday, about an hour or so after the final bell of the day had released all or most of the kids back into the world, he and I pulled up in the school parking lot. We got out of the car and slipped into the building through a side door.

He worked the combination on his locked locker, popped the door open, and gathered up his stuff. My classroom was only a few doors down, and so we also dropped in there for me to grab some things as well.

That done, and with me fishing my classroom key back out of my pocket, we had just started to step back out into the hallway when some deep, thunderous voice bellowed, “God damn it! Just what the hell you think you’re doing in here!

And there he was! The neanderthal that had really started this whole fiasco in the first place! Marching double-time and charging straight for us!

Get you sorry ass outta here before I…

Hey!” I yelled, stepping in front of Danny, who was half in and half out of my classroom. “Stop right there, Coach! He’s with me!

Well he’s gonna be with ME in a second! So get outta my way!

No! I said stop! He’s legit! And we’re just leaving anyway!

Damn straight you’re leavin!”

Coach and I, scrawny little English teacher me, were now standing nose-to-nose in a near Mexican stand-off!

THE ALPHA SIMIAN WAR FACE

He’s not supposed to be here anyway, damnit! He’s expelled!

Think I don’t know that!? Look! We’re just getting some things from his locker! He’s not bothering you!

Oh, he’s bothering me! You just better believe he’s bothering me!

My mouth’s open, ready to yell a response, but a bellow from behind me cuts me off!

You want me to LEAVE, you fat fucker?! OK then! I’m leavin’!

And before either of us can manage to say anything to that… B A N G! ..what sounds like an echoing gunshot jumps me, and I’m pretty sure jumps the fat fucker in front of me as well, half out of our shoes! Then I’m suddenly aware that Danny’s sprinting for the door we came in through, and that the loud bang that jarred my teeth was actually my classroom door having been whipped shut at Mach 5!

DANNY!I yell.

“Let’im go, the little asshole. What the hell’re are you even doing with him anyway?

Apparently, and unfortunately, Coach hadn’t gotten the memo about Danny’s and my arrangement. Why, I’ll never know.

ME? How about what the hell’re YOU doing here at all, masquerading as a teacher?! DANNY!” I yelled, taking after him.

But he’d already zipped out of sight through the exit! And by the time I stumbled outside, he’d disappeared! He was nowhere to be seen!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Turned out I hadn’t fully grasped just how disappeared he’d actually become.

Turned out he’d run away from home.

Turned out this wasn’t the first time he’d run away from home either…

I was devastated.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A couple months crawled by.

And so, out of sight, out of mind, the loss of M.I.A. Danny was gradually fading with acceptance.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

OK. One evening, right after dinner, I was sitting in my stuffed chair, reading some book or other, when I heard the phone ringing. I heard my wife picking up the phone in the next room and saying “Hello?” Then I could hear her murmuring something quietly.

Next thing I knew, she was standing next to my chair and looking down at me with a puzzled expression.

“What?” I asked.

“You’ve got a phone call,” she said tentatively, looking perplexed.

“Who is it?”

“The County Sheriff.”

“The who?! The… County sheriff?! Jeez... what the hell?”

THE LONG ARM OF THE LAW

I got up, walked out to the kitchen, and took the phone. “Hello?

“Hi. So… is this Mr. Lyford? Mr. Thomas Lyford?”

“It is. Why?”

“Tell me. Are you familiar with a Danny Brown, Mr. Lyford…?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

End of Part I. Stay tuned for Part II.

I love comments. If you wish, feel free to leave one in the field below and click on “POST COMMENT. “I usually respond…

Leave a comment

And if you like my blog posts, consider subscribing. And if so, just type your email into the field below and click on “SUBSCRIBE.” Subscribing only means that whenever I post a new episode, you’ll receive an email link to that new post, nothing more. And you can always unsubscribe at any time…

Thanks for reading. To return to the Main Menu (a listing of all my blog post choices) simply click on “BACK TO MENU” below…

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS

NO ONE KNOWS…?

A couple days ago I was haphazardly streaming my way through YouTube heaven when I happened to stumble upon a clip from a 1984 movie I hadn’t thought about in decades, a clip that got an immediate giggle out of me and, at the same time, felt like an old friend. That movie is Teachers.

TEACHERS (1984)
Tagline: They fall asleep in class. Throw ink on each other. Never come in Mondays. And they’re just the teachers.

And despite being the typical, somewhat cheesy 1984 comedy that it is, it really caught on with us teachers all over the country back in the day, leaving us all feeling somehow exonerated (you know, from always getting ragged on for having such the cushiest job in the world, getting all our summers off with pay, and then forever being the butt of that old adage: “Those who can, DO; those who can’t, TEACH”).

Now, there are a number of great ‘teacher movies’ out there on Netflix, Prime, Tubi, or whichever, a few of my all-time favorites being Up the Down Staircase (1967), To Sir With Love (1967), The Paper Chase (1973), The Breakfast Club (1985), and Dead Poets’ Society (1989). These five are equally as entertaining as Teachers, but seem to have been scripted with just a little more class.

However, whereas they can be characterized as maintaining a sharper focus perhaps on particular aspects of the classroom world, Teachers manages to leave no stone unturned. It manages to hit on practically every conceivable thing that could go wrong (and often has) in that school-calendar-world of students, teachers, and administrators.

And in the same way M*A*S*H and Catch-22 expose the absurdities of war—

ARE YOU THE ONE WHO STOLE MY TIARA?

and Office Space exposes the virtual Chinese water torture of mundane cubicle-life with its personnel chained to a daily grind of filling out useless forms, fighting with faulty office fax equipment, and putting up with obnoxious superiors—

…STOLE MY STAPLER… BURN THIS PLACE DOWN…

Teachers exposes practically every single one of the possible chaotic frustrations of the profession. Basically it’s a comic catalog of all the classic “zoo” foibles common to the professional educators’ world.

And sure, “Zoo is likely to come across as a little too harsh an over-exaggeration for you remembrances. But that could partly be due to the fact that school boards and administrators always strive to represent their schools publicly as professional ‘well-oiled machines,’ especially in the eyes of the taxpayers, parents, and even their students. In other words, a lot of the (let’s call them) ‘less savory occurrences‘ get effectively swept under the rug of PR.

But hey, what if I’m not even referring to the student body when I say “zoo”? Surprised?

I mean, we can all look back on our high school days and remember our teachers, can’t we. And sure, you loved some. Some were boring as hell. Or even stupid. And some you may remember as being kind of rotten and/or downright mean. But regardless of all that, you felt confident that you knew them, right? And of course you did. To some extent.

To the extent they allowed you to know them. But never fully. Because face it: you were the students, and they were the teachers. They, the adults. And you, the kids.

But… what if I told you (me being the whistle blower here) that behind closed doors, your faculty… yes, your teachers of English, French, Latin, German, Spanish, mathematics, sciences, home ec., orchestra and marching band… your principals and assistant principals… were, in general, surprisingly… not one whit more adult than you or any of your classmates back then?

That behind that faculty lounge door was a bunch of… old “kids?

Sure. Some were twenty, or maybe twenty-five. Some were in their forties or fifties. And some were shamefully (Good Lord!) still gripping their tenured status with white-knuckled-fists well onto five years or more past their retirement age. Some married, some divorced, and some about to be divorced. Some of them even being bullied, some even doing the bullying? Some ADHD. Some doing drugs. Many needing anger-management classes. And all of them insecure in one way or another.

Well, I kid you not. And yes, I know. They looked like adults, didn’t they. I mean, man, they had looking like adults right down to a science. But let’s get to the truth.

And in so doing, I ask that you join me in watching that clip from Teachers. So for a good time, click on the link below. Then I’ll join you for a little discussion on the other side.

And just so you know, the man in the clip turning the crank on the ancient “office copier” has been nicknamed Ditto by his peers. Why? Because (A) this type of caveman “copier” machine was known as a duplicator, a mimeograph, or… a “ditto machine” (welcome to the past, boys and girls); (B) because Ditto is the one always hogging the office ditto machine with no regard for others; and (C) because he hates teaching, so he’s always cranking off dittoed worksheets to keep his classes busy so he doesn’t really have to teach.

1980’s CUTTING-EDGE, STATE-OF-THE-ART COPIER

His classroom management style is this: he keeps all of the students’ desks facing away from him, so they won’t view him while he sits in the back of the room reading the newspaper. His students have been trained to pick up their daily copy of the freshly-dittoed worksheets from his desk upon entering the classroom, to sit quietly at their desks working on that worksheet, and, when the bell rings, to deposit their completed worksheets back on his desk upon leaving. This goes on day after day after day. No other interaction between ‘teacher’ and students.

One day Ditto drops dead from a heart attack behind his newspaper. Still, throughout the day, the kids come and go, come and go, none never noticing that the man seated behind the newspaper is a corpse!

DEAD DITTO

(And by the way, every school I ever worked in had a copier-hog pretty much like Ditto. Yeah, Teacher World in my experience was a lot like the world of M*A*S*H, character-wise.)

Anyway… I hope you enjoy this silly clip depicting a teachers’ lounge altercation (which I personally find much more realistic than you might be inclined to believe):

OK. First, let’s be honest.

(1) The movie’s old. Forty years old to be exact. So yeah, it’s dated.

(2) Dated, and a little cheesy, but not cheap. I mean, just look at the stellar cast:

Nick Nolte

JoBeth Williams

Judd Hirsch

Ralph Macchio

Richard Mulligan

William Schallert

Laura Dern

Crispin Glover

Morgan Freeman

(plus a host of wonderful, now-all-but-forgotten character actors

(3) And yes, this scene is silly. Not quite slapstick, but silly. Meant to be silly. The movie’s a comedy.

(4) But the movie’s a satirical comedy, a lampoon. And satires poke fun at situations that actually… are.

So if you are judging this scene as being totally unlikely, a scene that would-never, could-neverhappen in such a place as a work room for professional educators… think again. Because in a moment, I am going to share with you a scene that I once personally witnessed, very similar to the one in this film.

Allow me to present my qualifications, my credentials, to even have an opinion on this:

I served 34 years in the trenches of schools (both public and private), and just like all other lifetime career educators, I’ve had the opportunity to witness a patchwork quilt of sometimes unbelievable ‘situations,’ so many in fact that had some gypsy fortune teller ever shown me in her crystal ball scenes of my teaching career future… who knows? Perhaps I would have remained the hapless gas pump jockey to this day.

But OK, here we go. Let’s take a quick look-around-peek (with the dimming flashlight of my memory) at my past, real-life Teachers ‘movie’:

Oodles of bomb-scares, of course. Wherein I sometimes, along with a squad of my equally untrained bomb-squad colleagues, helped the cops check out every locker in the building.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Breaking up tons of boys’ room fights and, more than once, getting slammed into a wall, so doing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Enduring a three-weeks-long scabies epidemic that took out three-quarters of the school population (including the teachers) throughout that time.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Getting a surprise day-off from school one mid-morning due to a ‘temperature inversion’ caused by the paper mill’s stench-bucket-smoke from the towering stack right next door, commingling with the dripping 95-degree humidity outside to form actual CLOUDS inside the building (I’m dead serious here), floaters right up there against the ceiling tiles, clouds that actually began drizzling a toxic “rain” down upon us, the hapless school population—

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Participating (yes, illegally) in a couple days of a sign-waving labor strike during our three-years-long contract negotiations.

Not actually a strike photo, just a news clipping of one of our many protests leading up to the strike. (BTW, I’m the menacing, moustachio’d dude in the jeans jacket, 3rd from the left)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oh, and this one’s a riot: being ‘schooled’ by a (pretty-much “brain-dead”) Special Ed administrator during a mandatory faculty meeting that “It is an infraction, by law, for any member of the faculty to share the records of one of our students with any party outside that student’s family or school counselors.” Guess what. Within a couple of weeks of that presentation, that particular “administrator” (who couldn’t administer himself out of a wet paper bag) inadvertently did just that: he himself inadvertently sent one male student’s private records to the family of a totally unrelated female student! As you can imagine, the parents of said male student threw a fit, and threatened to sue the school.

But see, that’s only Chapter One of the saga. Because in the following school year, right after officially warning all of us teachers again of the legal importance of never giving out any student’s info to any other party, this man, this idiot… (wait for it) did it again! And not only did he do it again… he accidently sent that very same male student’s records to the very same female student’s family! AGAIN! Swear to God on a stack of Bibles! I have old teacher friends who will back me up on this. You can’t make this stuff up.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

At one point in time, in one particular school I taught at, anyone (teachers, students, cafeteria help, custodians, and even students) were allowed (for a while, anyway) to just drop by the main office and place any needed, public, school-related announcement into a designated box. Such announcements (i.e., “The Chess Club will meet tonight in room 222 at 6:00 this evening”; “Wrestling practice is canceled this evening”; “Would Billy Greenwood report to the office at this time”; etc.) would then be read daily, before and right after school, by the high school principal.

This practice came to an untimely end however after some wise-ass kids put the following ‘announcement’ into the box for four days in a row. “Mike Hunt must report to detention hall this evening. If Mike Hunt fails to do so, there will be consequences.” After two days of the principal’s booming voice reading “Would Mike Hunt please report to detention hall this evening!” the third day’s readings got a little cranky: “Would Mike Hunt please report to detention hall tonight! If you’ are MIKE HUNT, I personally guarantee you will regret failing to do as you’re told!

The message, it turned out, was not repeated on day four. (1) No Mike Hunt was enrolled in the school at that time, and (2) the way “Mike Hunt” sounds if you say it fast… (Uhmmm… ok, sorry… yeah, I’ll let myself out…)

But this is a true story, and that’s when the practice of the open announcement box in the main office ceased forever.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Anyway, after 34 years in front of the chalk boards, I’ve garnered thousands of these never-a-dull-moment, “text-book -looney-bin” anecdotes (to pilfer a Stephen King quotation from his book, On Writing). I’m sure all career teachers have. But the capper of all cappers in my life was that year a certifiable, text-book looney-bin sociopath and career criminal conned his way into the headmaster’s position and took the school for an unforgettable ride.

He lasted almost the whole year, but not quite. And as a result of my calling him out and getting him fired, even long after he had disappeared into the ether, I received a couple of spine-chilling threats from him (that’s over an eight-year period). And as tempting as it is for me to launch into tell you that story, I can’t allow myself to do it. Neither you nor I have the time, since I when I’ve done so in the past, I’ve always become a veritable Rime of the Ancient Mariner storyteller once I get started on that one.

But it’s also a true story, and that man became my personal albatross.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

No, instead, I’ll conclude with the memory of another little account, one that got triggered in my mind by that film clip from Teachers… a dining room story.

Well, calling it a dining room is a gross exaggeration. What it was in reality was an oblong, boxcar-like box with a single door and no window. And it sat off to one side, against a wall like… something out of place, like an afterthought on the floor of the student cafeteria. The cafeteria itself was a fairly spacious hall with the usual kitchen-side, take-out windows where you’d pick up your trays, napkins, silverware, and the daily entree of your choice, and carry your loaded tray over to any of the circular tables surrounded by cafeteria chairs. But off on one side was that box. The faculty’s box.

I’m not sure what its measurements were, but it housed a long table inside, long enough to accommodate probably eight, maybe ten chairs to a side, meaning the room could seat a very crowded dozen and a half teachers at a time. Close quarters. Barely room enough to push your chair back against the wall behind you when you were finished and would be making your exit from the table.

Yes, this is where each mid-day, we of the faculty would come together to commune and break bread together (I’m tempted to say feed— the arrangement, such as it was, so much resembling a trough). Meanwhile, outside the box, a little sea of kids chattered away at their special, clique-designated tables.

Likewise, the faculty was comprised of its cliques as well, only in this setting, all cliques were sardined together around the same table. You had your jock clique (coaches and P.E. teachers); your smug intellectuals from the English wing clique; your politicos (the hawks and your doves, the hard-hats and your hippies); the newbies and the tenured; your misogynists and your pro-feminists; those who loved kids and those who obviously didn’t; and those who felt comfortable in their own skin joined right next to those who obviously did not.

All at one table.

Oh, and by the way… down the middle of the table, among the salt and pepper shakers and napkin holders, you also had the ashtrays because you also had the smoker and non-smoker factions. Which was an ongoing problem. Because back in the 70’s and earlier, the smokers had rights. The non-smokers? Not so much. Just the frickin’ way it was.

So if you were breaking bread at this table and the carcinogenic haze was tickling your throat and making you cough; if it was aggravating your asthma; hey, even if it was slowly killing you: just SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP. I think some rationalized it this way: I mean, what the hell? What difference does it make? We all live and work right under the paper mill smokestack anyway, so…

Yeah. I know.

But eventually that little controversial kettle of fish finally managed to get added to the faculty meeting agenda. And as a result of that meeting, after everyone who had something to say had aired her or his particular grievance, the issue was brought to a vote. And wow! The motion to ban smoking in the teachers’ dining area (if only DURING the actual lunch period) actually carried!

It really wasn’t so much though, was it. I mean, if you were already in there on your free period, (actually, we weren’t allowed to say “free period”— we were instructed to always say “planning period,” so it wouldn’t sound like you were sleazing off with nothing to do) you could smoke to your lung’s content right up to the first second of the ringing of the lunch period starting bell. So you know, obviously your smoke would still be right there, in the room, fresh as a daisy as the faculty and staff came filing in with their trays.

So no, it wasn’t much, but it was a start. Better than nothing.

Until that day

A typical day, really. Conversations about… who knows what?…Richard Nixon, maybe; or who was getting stuck chaperoning the upcoming prom; or Jaws, the movie perhaps; or the long-lines-at-the-pumps gas shortagewhatever.

And then something happened.

We had this athletic coach, OK? He was seated a couple of chairs down from me. And what he did is suddenly pluck a pack of Marlboros out of his shirt pocket. Yeah, he did it just like he’d done it hundreds of times before in there. I guess something like that pretty much gets to become muscle memory after so long. You don’t even have to think about it. Maybe you probably don’t even realize you’re doing it, half the time. It’s a habit.

But two or three people noticed him do it, and somebody said, “Ooops.”

He stared back at her and said, “Ooops what?

And she responded “Ooops, weren’t-you-at-the-last-faculty-meeting-oops?

But by now he’d already tapped the ends of three filter tips out of the pack. “Ooops. I can’t remember if I was… or not.”

“Oh, you were there,” the man seated directly across the table from him said. “You were there.”

So?” Suddenly all the side-conversations had stopped.

“So we took a vote.”

Huh!

“And we all voted that there’s no more smoking in here during lunch hour. While we’re eating.”

“Well, no. We didn’t all vote for it. For instance, I didn’t vote for it.”

“Yeah, well… the majority voted for it. And the majority rules. Maybe you haven’t heard, but this is a democracy.”

By now he had a Marlboro dangling from his lips. “So, uhh, exactly WHEN… did you, all in the majority, vote for this new rule to go… into effect?

Somebody else said, It automatically went into effect when the vote was tallied.”

“That right?” Coach said, but he wasn’t looking at the person who had just spoken. He was looking straight ahead at the guy seated across from him. The elderly gentleman.

“That’s right,” the gentleman said.

“Funny. I don’t remember anybody announcing that at the meeting.” A grin was starting to spread over Coach’s face, and he’d begun fishing for something in his pants pocket. It was pretty obvious he was fishing for his lighter.

“Didn’t hafta be announced,” said the elderly man (whom I shall henceforth refer to as Mr. Ellison.) “It was understood.”

The Zippo was out now. “What, so… if I didn’t understand, you’re calling me, what, stupid now?”

Somebody with a frown said, “Hey. Come on, Coach…” but failed to explain his point in words. I know I was feeling very uncomfortable. I’m betting most, if not all, of us were.

Coach was smiling, Ellison wasn’t. “You’re not stupid.”

“Well… thanks. For that.

Damn. It felt like we were in some dumbass wild west movie all of a sudden. The poker game scene in the back corner of the saloon where one guy’s just told the other guy, ‘I’m sayin’… you cheated!’ And the trouble was, Coach really was stupid. And he lived inside this big, muscly body with a great big ego and a little boy-child’s brain. He was a bully. A might-makes-right bully.

A sudden metallic click! His Zippo, popped open now, had a little finger of flame burning above it.

Ellison spoke like some steely-eyed Marshall warning the hot-headed gambler he’d better leave his Colt revolver right there where it was, in its holster. “You’re not gonna light that cigarette, in here.”

“Oooh! I’m not? Why? Oh no! If I do, you gonna run and tell on me?”

A female voice further up the table snapped, “Jesus Christ! Hey, little boys, no fighting on the playground, OK? For cryin’out loud, would you listen to yourselves?! Do you have any idea how silly you sound?”

But Coach went right on. “Hey, who made you my old man all of a sudden?

Somebody said, “Aw jeez!

“I said,… Who made you my old man?” And he poked the tip of his Marlboro into the flame. Smoke arose.

After thinking for a moment, Ellison began, “Truth be known, I bet if your father was here, he’d wipe that shitty……” but stopped when he saw the wiggily smoke ring expelled from Coach’s pursed lips traveling across the table toward him.

“You were saying…?”

With a brush of his hand, Ellison waved away the smoke ring as if a fly. “I was about to say… if truth be known, and I was your… daddy…”

Coach tensed at the word.

“… I’d be slapping your punk face six days from Sunday again, wouldn’t I… sonny boy? Now here, stub that cigarette out,” he added, sliding an ash tray sliding over across the table.

“Hey, I know what. How ‘bout I stub this butt right in that ugly kike face of yours?!”

BAM! The back of Ellison’s chair whacked the wall behind him as he struggled to rise to his feet! “OK! Now you’ve done it!

BAM! Coach’s chair! “Not YET I haven’t!

Amid tipped-over sodas and shouts of “GUYS!” “CHRIST ALMIGHTY!” “WHAT THE FUCK!” “STOP IT!” and “IDIOTS!” Ellison, caught up in what looked like a wild paroxysm of a Saint Vitus’ dance, was tearing at his sport jacket, futilely trying to rip the damn thing off his shoulders while Coach had already crawled a quarter of the way across the tabletop, only thing holding him back being the grip somebody’d managed to get on the back of his belt!

It was pandemonium! It was a ruckus! It was a…

ZOO!

And when the first teacher to bail reached the door yanked it open, (surprise!) two horrified boys on their hands and knees (having had their ears glued to the doorjamb all the while) toppled inside and pretty much had to be stepped over.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So yeah, I don’t find my Teachers clip to be that unrealistic, although it was a little over-dramatically done. And secondly, I do think that our needy little inner child (I suspect I’m talking about the ID here) remains with us all of our lives, hiding out inside us, right behind that Look-at-me-I’m- an-adult façade we project before ourselves like some medieval shield. And when things get too stressful in our lives, it steps out of the closet and, yes, look out, here it comes!

I guess I’m sounding a little… Lord of the Flies, huh.

So anyway…

When I first decided to focus on my memory of that violent little lunchtime incident for this post (the fight over smoking in the teacher’s “dining room” box), a film clip from another movie-favorite of mine kept nagging at me, wanting in on this discussion. I thought about letting it and finally, yeah, I’ve caved.

The film is of Ken Kesey’s One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. And I call the scene, the I Ain’t No Little Kid, Nurse Ratched! scene. And yes, I believe it provides a suitable little capstone for the topic at hand…

Thanks for reading, by the way.

TAGLINE: If he’s crazy, what does that make you?

Please leave a comment if you’d like in the field below, and then click on “POST COMMENT.” I will read it and respond.

Leave a comment

Als, if you liked this post, consider subscribing by writing your email in the blank field above and clicking “Subscribe.” Subscribing is free and only means that each time I post another episode, you will simply receive an email containing a clickable link to that new post. You can unsubscribe at any time…

RUMFORD ROSWELL?? PART II

ME ACTUALLY IN ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO IN SEPTEMBER, 2009

Back in the 1970s, hardly anyone would dare admit to having seen a UFO, lest they’d be ostracized as a “nut case” and lose the respect of their peers, friends, and even family. This was especially true of airline pilots, who would likely be grounded first, and then secondly lose their cherished careers. It really happened.

This little clip from Steven Spielberg’s Close Encounters of the Third Kind dramatically illustrates that professional dilemma. Today, in 2024, airline authorities have eased up on their restrictions, and pilots are generally allowed to make their reports without fear.

Click and enjoy…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Of course, there are those who’d like nothing better than to have a close encounter of the extraterrestrial kind. For instance, here’s a ‘friendly’ old geezer, also from the Close Encounters film. Apparently when word got out that his city was getting inundated with UFO sightings, he decided to start hanging out most nights in a reported UFO hotspot, high up on a hill overlooking the cityscape. And he wasn’t alone for long…

EARTH’S SELF-APPOINTED FRIENDLY AMBASSADORTO THE ETs

FIRST, A RECAP OF PART I’s CONCLUSION:

(Jack Rogers’s speaking): “I mean, I didn’t drive all the way out here just to be lied to. OK? So let’s have it. What was it I saw last night?! What’s going on here?”

Silence.

Well…? I want an answer.”

The boy looked up at him with imploring eyes, and then his gaze dropped back down to the toes of his shoes again. In the saddest, softest little voice you could ever imagine, he confessed.

Uhmmm… we’re not allowed to talk about it…”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

PART II

“You’re not ALLOWED to…?! What the…?! Whatta you mean you’re not allowed to talk about it? Who’s not allowing it, for cryin’ out loud?!”

Silence. Then a mousey “… my dad.

“Oh yeah? And why would he not allow you to talk about it…?”

“’Cause… he don’ wanna get in trouble.”

“Oh, really!?

So this is where I butted in. “Son? Believe me. We’re not here to get anybody in trouble. Not your dad, not you, or anyone else, I swear. We’re only here because well, my… friend here saw something in the sky last night, OK? And see, it made him really really... curious, you know? And it’s been bugging him all day. So all we’re here for is to try to find… an answer. Just, you know, only the knowledge about what it was, nothing else. I promise. Just… knowing.

“And I don’t want to get me in trouble, either, like him getting mad at me ‘cause I told.

“OK OK, I get that. We get that. And no, of course not. That’s the exact last thing in the world we want, too.”

“‘Cause Dad’s a Forest Ranger.”

“Oh… Ah.” That was a lot to take in. “Hmmm. I see. OK then. So here’s what’s let’s do. You tell us what it was my friend saw up there in the air last night, and poof! we’ll disappear, just like that. We’ll get right out of your hair. He and I, we’ll get in the Jeep right how and go right back to our homes. It’s almost past our bedtimes anyway. OK? Nobody gets in trouble or anything. How’s that?”

Uhmmm, I dunno.”

Please, son?”

Oh, OK. I guess.”

Aw, great. So. Just what was this curious thing?

“Well, Dad makes’em.”

The two of us let that sink in for a moment. “So. You say he makesthem, eh? So… he’s made more than one, I take it?”

“Uh-huh.”

“OK. That’s cool. Yeah. And your dad. He does this… why?”

The boy thinks for a moment and says, all matter-of-fact, “For fun.”

“Wow. Yeah. I can see that would be kinda fun. Kinda a hobby, I guess. You know what? I think your dad and I maybe have a lot in common.”

“OK.”

“And what does he call them? I mean, does he have a name for these things?”

“Oh, just… UFOs.

“Just UFO’s. And so, he does this because… well, I know you said for fun but, if I may ask, exactly where’s the fun in that, mostly, d’you think?”

“Well. There’s no such thing as UFOs. Not really. But Dad says a lot of people around here actually believe there are. Which is silly. And so he makes’em, and flies’em at night. So that the next day or two, somebody’ll probably call him on the phone to report seeing a flying saucer, because he’s a Ranger.. But he’s the guy who made it. And so he’ll says stuff like, Oh my! That’s scary! Tell ya what. I’ll get right on it. I’ll keep my eyes peeled on my night patrol. Stuff like that. And when he hangs up the phone, boy does he ever laugh and laugh. And he’s got a very funny laugh, too. It always makes Mum and me laugh right along too.”

“Wow. Sounds like your dad’s a funny guy. One good ol’ boy fun-loving guy, too.”

“Oh he is, he is! He says it gives’em a little… spice in their life. That’s the way he says it.”

“Well yeah. All he’s doing is just giving them something to think about. Just making life a little more interesting for’em, I’d say.”

“Yup.”

“Hey, you know what that reminds me of?”

“Uhmmm, no. What?

Halloween. You know how much fun Halloween is. The one day of the year everybody’s lovin’ the fun of being spooked and freaked out? Well, sounds to me all he’s doing’s just spreading Halloween fun around, off and on, other times in the year. And good for him, I say. There’s no harm in that.”

“Uh huh.”

“I mean, they might not be getting actual little kids all dressed up in scary costumes knockin’ on their doors, calling out, Trick or Treat. But what they do get, after they see one of your dad’s ‘UFOs’ go by overhead, is something that gives’em that same spooky fun, right? For a few days they’ll be peering out their windows at night, a little spooked and hopin’ they don’t come face-to-face with a bunch of little green men peering right back at’im, right?”

Hah! Little green men! Yeah. That’s funny, ’cause that’s exactly what Dad calls’em too. The little green men!”

“Your dad sounds like a very likable guy. A lot like myself. But OK, you know what?”

“Nope.”

“I just want to say thank-you very much for telling us what it was my buddy here saw last night, to put his mind at ease.”

“OK.”

“And whatta you, Jackie ol’ boy, have to say to our little friend here?”

“What? Oh! Yeah, thank you very much, son.”

“You’re welcome, Jackie.

“Thanks to you, kid, Ol’ Jackie here will be able to get some much-needed peaceful sleep tonight.”

“OK.”

“Now, one more last question before we go. OK?”

“Uhmmm, I guess…

“Your dad. How exactly does he make these UFOs anyway. Only asking because, being sorta like your dad, I’m thinking I might like to make one or two of these myself, you know?”

With straws!

Straws? Ummm, whattaya mean, straws?

Drinking straws. Plus his plastic bags. And a candle.”

Drinking straws? You mean like, plastic drinking straws? Really?

“Yep. We got a whole box of them.”

“Oh. OK. So that’s what he uses to make them. But, like, how does he… you know, put’em all together?

“Oh sure. He sticks the straws together, kinda like Tinker Toys. And next, he starts by building… well, what he calls ‘a cage’ with’em. It’s kinda like when we was puttin’ that box kite together we built last year.”

“Oh yeah. A box kite. Sure. That’d sorta explain why it might have that top-of-a-tower look about it. So, he’s using the straws he sticks together instead of, like, your kite’s… long, wooden sticks?”

“Yeah. ‘Cause they don’t weigh nothin’. Cause it’s gotta be like… light, you know? And then he bends the bottoms of the straws over into the middle. And tapes them all up with the candle, all together. Yuh, right in the middle.”

“Ah. The candle. Heat supply! And a.k.a., the flickering light, yes!”

“’Course, the last thing: he pulls the bag down over it.”

“Uhmmm… what kind of bag does he use, by the way.?”

“The bags his uniform comes in.”

“You mean… when he buys his uniforms, they come in a bag?”

“No. The plastic bag when it comes back from the cleaners. And that’s only his dress uniform. Mom washes all his regular uniforms.”

“Oh. I get it. You’re talking plastic dry cleaner bags. Right! They have no weight whatsoever.”

“Yup. That’s why.”

“OK, little man. I can’t tell you enough how helpful you’ve been. And I really apologize that we probably made you feel a little nervous at first, a coupla big adult guys like us just pulling up into your driveway and banging on the door like we did. Well… like he did,” I say, frowning at Jack. “But this whole evening’s been very… educational. For the both of us. But

“Oh well… it’s getting late, isn’t it. So, time to say adios, I guess. But I gotta tell ya son, and we both mean this: you… are one good man, Charlie Brown.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A couple of minutes later we were tooling back down those pitch-dark, spooky, Deliverance roads, back toward our safe little-green men-free lives

But: an ‘interesting’ evening was had by all.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now, I don’t know if any of you’ve gathered this from many of my previous posts, but… I suspect there’s probably something… a little weird (?) about me here. Well OK, a lot of things. I mean, what better a ‘for instance’ than this? Go figure:

(A) I’d serendipitously been treated to a nice, late-evening, Unsolved Cosmic Mystery Ride in a Jeep— great entertainment;

(B) the mystery had been solved— Robert Stack, eat your heart out;

ROBERT STACK OF UNSOLVED MYSTERIES

(C) I’d gained yet one more “adventure” to write about in this blog;

and (D) Jack Rogers could now sleep soundly at night knowing that his world (and ours) was not under at least an immediate threat of an extraterrestrial invasion.

Quite a day, right? So, wouldn’t you think that would be enough? For anybody? Well surprise. It wasn’t. Not for me. Because I was one of those people for whom enough is never enough. Right. I guess you could say that maybe I… had a “problem?”

“(ahem) Hi. I’m Tom. And I’m a prankster…?”

Church basement Pranksters Anonymous Gathering responds (in unison): “Hi, Tom! So. Go ahead. Talk to us about your problem.

“OK. The first prank I remember pulling was the time I screwed the cover off a brand new, previously untouched jar of peanut butter, fresh from Ma’s grocery shopping. I was in fourth grade. You know how flawlessly smooth the peanut butter’s surface always is when you first get that cover off?

“Well guys, I don’t know what devil or demon must’ve whispered in my ear to get me to do this, but with the pointy end of a toothpick, I actually etched the following message into that smooth surface: “RAT POISON.”

Then not only did I screw the cap back on tight, but with a couple of Dad’s tools from his workroom, I managed to screw it on so tight that there would be no question whatsoever that the jar must’ve been tampered with before leaving the food processing plant.

“Hey, I don’t know why I did that. Bad genes, I suspect. Plus… I was only nine and I thought, you know, it’d be funny. And it was the 50s, right?

But oh, didn’t the family just go nuts over that one. Of course I obviously confessed to the crime before, you know, they called the police. Anyway, after the scalding scolding I got and everybody’d calmed back down, I realized I felt hungry. So I made myself a fluffernutter sandwich.

“No surprise: Harold and Maude has been one of my top ten favorite films ever since I first saw it.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

With all that in mind, you should know that I came away from that flyjing saucer episode with Jack with what people colloquially call “a bee in my bonnet.” I came away from that episode with sugar plums of straws and plastic bags and candles dancing in my head. And I was chomping at the bit.

So I began chatting up my colleagues as to whether or not they happened to have any dry cleaning bags in their closets that they could part with. Didn’t actually tell’em why. Just that it was a project I was working on. And then (duh!) I checked my own closet, and it turned out there were a couple in there “protecting” sport jackets I hadn’t worn or even seen for a decade or more.

So: dry cleaning bags: check!

And of course the drinking straws and a candle? No problem. Grocery store: check! and check!

Oh yeah. I was locked and loaded!

But here’s the thing. In those days I was always more of a dreamer than a doer. Plus as I’ve attested in previous posts, laziness was definitely another one of my character flaws back then. So, as fun as the idea seemed (you know, to simulate a War of the Worlds attack on the population of Rumford, Maine), time just kept on slipping by. (yawn) And slipping by…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

But then eventually, it just so happened that Bruce (my kid brother, twelve years my junior) came to stay with us during a good part of the annual school summer vacation. Which put the onus on me to find something entertaining for us to do together.

One thing I came up with was taking him camping over night up in the woods in a place called Moody Mountain. I was in the Army National Guard at the time, so I raided the armory for the pup tent, canteens, and other supplies. That day or two remains in my memory as a fun, idyllic, little adventure.

That, plus having him stay at our house for an extended period of time gave me an opportunity to really bond with him. And I’m grateful to this day for that.

Anyway, later it dawned on me that Bruce would be a great partner in crime for my War of the World dream. I mean, he and I both were the biggest fans of the comical and popular late-night, radio-talk-show host, Jean Shepherd, who entertained his listening audiences throughout the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s with humorous and bizarre stories based on his own life.

JEAN SHEPHERD

(Now you may claim to not know who the heck Jean Shepherd was, but… I believe you do have a connection.

He’s the one who both wrote the story of that perennial favorite holiday movie, A Christmas Story, was based on, and performed the narrated voice-overs throughout the film. You know— that story of little Ralphie who nearly shot his eye out with his new Red Ryder BB gun. (Man, I can think of few fictional characters with whom I identify more than that kid.)

RALPHIE

But I only mention this because Bruce and I were both inspired by one particular episode from his radio show, set back in his college dormitory days. A bunch of the frat boys supposedly decided to prank New York City with a Halloween UFO scare. Here was their recipe for chaos:

(1) First collect some of those black, Glad, 39-gallon lawn and leaf bags and then, with scissors, cut some of the bags up into long strips

(2) With a flat iron set on a not-too-hot setting, hot-iron the strips together to eventually form a hot-air balloon ‘envelope’

(3) Fashion the plastic ‘sheets’ together as a ‘balloon,’ so that the balloon you’re making has an approximate golf-ball-size hole at the top and a softball-size one at the base

(4) Then with aluminum foil, fashion a little, light-weight, open-topped ‘tray’

(5) Attach the ‘tray’ to the base of the hot-air balloon

(6) Inflate the balloon with hot air from a hair dryer

(7) Push each inflated balloon outside your 15th-story dormitory room window and hold onto it

(8) Fill the tray with a generous measure of lighter fluid

(9) Ignite the lighter fluid, and let the balloon go!

Bombs Away!

Now Shepherd claimed that he and a bunch of other students (most likely drunken frat brothers) actually did this on one dark and windy Halloween night. Thus around the witching hour of midnight, several silent, evil-black ‘drones’ beset the city like a squadron of flying monkeys. And because it was a windy night, according to him the balloons were prone to swaying back and forth at times. And when this happened, some of the flaming lighter fluid sloshed out of the aluminum trays, dropping fiery driblets down toward the city below. Consequently, calls started coming into precinct headquarters from all over, with terrified citizens reporting dark UFOs shooting flaming death rays down upon the unprotected citizenry!

WAR OF THE WORLDS

A silly story to be sure, and very likely 95% exaggeration, but inspirational nonetheless…

So anyway, Bruce and I went to work. We had the bags, straws, and candle. And if I remember correctly, we were planning to use one of those tiny little birthday candles because of its weightlessness. And English-teacher-me thinking, How hard could it be to recreate the thing Jack Rogers had witnessed that night up in the sky?

So down we went to work on our knees on my living room floor.

OK. I challenge you, dear reader— just try to build yourself a usable, five-foot-high, cage-like framework out of drinking straws sometime. I mean without going mad. Surprise— straws are not like is Tinker Toys! Each one was virtually refusing to allow itself to be inserted into its fellow to form a longer strut. And we were probably going to need five or six five-foot-long or longer struts to build said frame, down over which we would then slip the dry cleaner bag. And oh yeah, if you do ever manage that, then try to figure out a way to bend all the bottom straw-ends into the center and… connect them in such a way, with tape perhaps, that an upright birthday candle can be mounted firmly there!

I was no engineer. And we had no manual, only that kid’s list of the main ‘ingredients’ his dad used, along with that inspirational Shepherd broadcast to go on. And me? I was that frickin’ useless English teacher!

Great Idea #1: never ask an English teacher for practical help. Unless it’s for something like diagramming a frickin’ sentence.

By the time I was just about ready to scream and give up…

I actually gave up. Well, I rationalized it in my mind thinking, We do have the bag. Maybe we should take a little break, run a test first, and check it for leaks or something…

At least that sounded do-able. So I confiscated Phyllis’ hair drier from the bathroom, plugged it in, and began inflating the bag. And up she ballooned, like a breaching Moby Dick bumping and nudging its head against the ceiling! The hair drier heat was so hot I worried that the sheer, cobwebby plastic would go all Hindenburg on me at any second. So I was quick to switch the dryer back off and then I tied a string around the bottom of the bag.

Now here’s the thing. A Chinese lantern (which is what, in reality, this contraption is technically classified as), is supposed to look like this:

or this:

Screenshot

Our “thing,” however, looked discouragingly like this:

So I had to come to terms with the facts. With my skills (diagramming sentences, etc.) this big bag of hot air was never going to get its upright candle secured firmly in place and, therefore, would never be visible if flown at night.

Disheartened, I threw in the towel. “To hell with it. Let’s just take her outside and fly her now. As is.”

The only thing was though, the balloon was not floating in either a vertical, or a horizontal, posture. It looked wounded, tilting up there against the ceiling at a 45 degree diagonal, like the minute-hand of a clock pointed at the ‘2.’ I felt it would look less embarrassing (heaven knew why) if it were at least to launch from my house floating straight up and down. So we needed some ballast, and for that we ended up hanging a small plastic sandwich bag of coins from her. Turned out a quarter, dime, nickel, and a couple of pennies were just heavy enough to keep her floating upright. Yup. 42 cents.

We opened her up for one last infusion of hot, hair-dryer air; cinched her back up once again, at the base; and escorted her outside. It was a perfect sunny, blue-sky day outside.

As soon as we let her go, it became immediately obvious that she was practically invisible, being of such gossamer, see-through material, but up she rose, as upright as a chimney., a shimmery gleaming thing in the sun. It looked at first like she’d be piercing the stratosphere in no time, but she leveled off in a minute and then was being carried by the wind toward downtown Rumford.

Bruce and I trotted along beneath her. We could see her up there because we knew right where to look, but it was doubtful that anyone else would be likely to. She was spectacularly unnoticeable. And then she started moving faster, so we had to keep up with a spirited jog. Eventually we were crossing the big bridge that leads over the Androscoggin River and into the downtown business section of Rumford.

The bridge actually had a lot ot traffic on it, pedestrian and four-wheeled traffic (unlike in this picture).

RUMFORD MEMORIAL BRIDGE

So what did we do? Why, we hitched our wagon to a fast-paced group of five or so walkers and theatrically (shamefully theatrically) began looking up! Pointing up! And loudly and inanely asking each, other back and forth, “What in the heck is that thing up there, in the sky” “My goodness! Gee, I dunno! Never saw anything like that! How ‘bout you?Et cetera…

But did anyone pay any attention to our not so well thought-out ‘dialogue?’ Did anyone else, besides us, even look to the sky for a single second in wonder? Catch even a frickin’ glimpse of our transparent, ridiculously invisible UFO?

Of course not. Not a one. They were all too wrapped up in their own, much more realistic and apparently more interesting, worlds and lively conversations to notice a couple of babbling crazies who didn’t seem to belong in that picture at all. Two guys who didn’t amount to much more than the shadowy flash of a transparent glitch in the matrix?

I mean… how rude!

So then we tried butterfly-netting the equally elusive attention of people passing by in the opposite direction, but it didn’t take long for us to realize that for some reason we we’d somehow become as transparent as that hot-air bag quickly dwindling in size as it continued its flight path following the river down below it.

No, it was just not in the cards for that day to be one wherein we were gonna get to garner even a minute of fame. It was a classic Wile E. Coyote failure.

So what could we do?

Well, all we ended up doing was leaning ourselves up against the concrete sidewalk guardrail to watch… what? Our Unidentified Flying Bag?

THE VERY TREES (LEFT) THAT RECEIVED THE “THING”
PLUS 42 CENTS

(Hmmm. Can something be said to be unidentified if absolutely no one ever saw it even? To you know, unidentify it?)

Anyway, we watched the deflating bag gradually banking to the left, heading for the taller shoreline trees. We watched it alight, like a faraway eagle, among the uppermost branches of one of the taller ones. And by squinting, we could actually make it out from time to time hanging up, way over there, especially when the breezes fluttered the bag because then it glinted in the sun.

What could you say but… oh well!

Except maybe “not with a bang but a whimper.”

Sometimes I imagine, hundreds of years from now, some extraterrestrial archeologist doing a dig along the sides of the mighty Androscoggin (who knows what its name might be then?) and becoming excited when they come across a tiny little pocket-lump of five ancient coins.

I hope they’ll still be in good shape.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As always, I invite you to leave a comment below…

Leave a comment

If you like reading these posts, please consider subscribing. Subscribing is free. Subscribing only means that whenever I post a new episode, you will simply receive a link to it in an email. You can easily unsubscribe at any time…

Click the MENU link above to find a listing of all my previous posts…