Will Smith : “These” (tabloids) “are ‘the hot sheets’?”
Tommy Lee Jones: “Best investigative reporting on the planet. But go ahead, read the New York Times if you want.They get lucky sometimes.” —Men In Black
Yea, blessed are the supermarket tabloids for lo,
they shall deliver us down checkout grocery galleries
of cough drops & candy bars,
past the horoscopes & tv guides—
And blessed are you and I with our
free, life-long subscriptions to the
SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT HEADLINES
that exercise our otherwise atrophying
14-items-or-less express-lane brains—
for tabloid headlines wear so many hats:
—they champion successes of the handicapped:
GIRL WITH 14 FINGERS WINS TYPING CONTEST!
MUTE DRIVER HONKS OUT ROAD RAGE IN MORSE CODE!
BLIND SEX CREEP BUSTED AS ‘HEARING TOM’!
—they boggle the mind with life’s unexpected ironies:
STARVING CAMPER MAULS GRIZZLY!
CHAMPION BULLFIGHTER KILLED BY BULLDOZER!
CANNIBALS ORDER PIZZA — THEN EAT DELIVERYMAN!
—they clarify generalities:
RESEARCHER CALCULATES A SNOWBALL’S CHANCE IN HELL TO BE .000000000134%!
—they ease environmental anxiety:
SCIENTIST PROVES… EARTH IS GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE: Global warming is Earth’s hot flashes!
—they showcase consequences of failing to make sober decisions:
DRUNKS FALL OFF ROOF AFTER BARTENDER DECLARES DRINKS ARE ON THE HOUSE!
—they provide educational updates:
CATHOLIC SCHOOL SISTERS TRADE IN WOODEN RULERS FOR
ULTIMATE DISCIPLINARY TOOL… NUN CHUCKS!
—they comfort those maxed-out on credit cards:
ANGRY BILL COLLECTORS SAY BUSH WON’T RETURN CALLS ON NATIONAL DEBT!
—they reveal the truth behind the proverbs:
SURVEY REVEALS BEST THINGS IN LIFE COST AT LEAST $5,000!
NEW STUDY SAYS ‘STITCH IN TIME’ SAVES ONLY 8!
HONESTY FALLS TO THIRD AS ‘BEST POLICY’!
—and finally, sometimes just make us think:
BEER CANS AND OLD MATTRESS FOUND ON MARS! hmmmm…
So… just like Louis “Satchmo” Armstrong I think to myself…
“What a wonderful world…”
VAMPIRE ELVIS IS ON THE PROWL, SAY COPS!
“FANG YOU, FANG YOU VERY MUCH!”
NEARING THE END OF THE LINE 